...and now for a brief intermission from the year in review

Yesterday was mom and Forrest's anniversary. They would have been married for 21 years. They actually got together about 8 years before that, but as my grandmother says, they lived in sin for a while.

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64 years old. It seems hard to believe she has been gone for more than 7 years now. I spent the better part of this year being pretty angry with mom about Forrest's death. I suppose it wasn't safe to place the anger on Forrest for a while. Generally on her birthday I make it out to the cemetary where I sprinkled some of her ashes on top of her father's grave. That didn't happen today. It was a beautiful day but I struggled to leave the house. Carrie finally enticed me with a walk in the park with her new baby (pup) and my boys. It was good to get out, but I feel a little foggy.

This is all compounded by the fact that tomorrow is Forrest's birthday. He would have turned 66. He hated his job, it was one thing that was making him miserable, but he was set to retire this month.

Growing up, we always celebrated their anniversary on the 30th and then both of their birthdays at midnight new year's eve. That was real popular formy brother and I as teenagers. After I moved away, it was always good to call at midnight, although usually Forrest had already gone to bed.

Last night I was very sad and weepy, today I have been sad at times and disconnected at other times. I'm not depressed mind you. It's good to know the difference and allow myself to feel the saddness.

Funny enough, Jan 2 is my biological father's birthday. Up until I was 22, I thought my brother and I shared the same father. Then enters Doug, he's actually my biological father, and Tom, who I thought was my biological father, is actually my brothers dad. Perhaps I'll blog about that sometime.

Doug and I are not very close, in fact this is the first year he didn't send a Christmas card. We had been sort of trying at a relationship, but this year I decided just because we share the same blood doesn't make him my father...so I sorta started to let go of that. Turns out it kind of pisses me off that he did too. I mean, it was his choice to do that the first time around, it should be my choice now, eh? Clearly I have no resentments there... and somehow, right now in my very irrational mind, I have decided that Forrest's death is now Doug's fault. I really don't think that... but for today and tomorrow, I don't want to be angry with Forrest, so I have to put it elsewhere. Doug's the lucky bastard that gets it this time.

I swear I'll post an upbeat blog soon.

2007 The Year in Reveiw- 3rd Quarter

July marked the beginning of my working with the finances and maintaining the website for NewCentury. I began to take on roles I never thought I would in a church. I became part of the vision team. Things were difficult as a copastor of NewCentury/co-owner of the retail part of Shekinah was leaving. Financial challenges became a focus for me both in my spiritual life as well as my personal life.

I began sort of dating the crazy lady and making myself crazy in knowing that it was not a healthy place to be, although it seemed a comfortable place to be. I was however, able to state my space and keep my boundaries. We did some hiking and photography of nature beginning on July 1st.

A NewCentury July 4th party was held at Pastor Jen's... Molly was in town and she and I walked there. I thought it ridiculous to walk the 1.5 miles there, but Molly was up for it, so we did it!

July 9th I co-hosted with Katie a Food For Thought dinner at Jon and JD's house! Tons of fun.

July 14th I woke up with fierce grief and had lunch with Catherine where I decided I was going to rescue a kitten. What better way to stuff grief than to focus on something else... so just after lunchI adopted my baby kitty Linney Grey (named after Forrest, his middle name was Lynn). The sweetest most independent and fierce 3 month old kitty in the world! She was integrated in the household within a week. Although it took my older cat Smudge a bit to get use to her.

Molly moved in upstairs July 23rd-ish I think. It was good to have a roommate... both financially and emotionally. Molly was a good one to have!

Unrelated to the roommate situation, I began to slip pretty hard into a depression and started to disconnected from others as July came to a close.

I tailspun into August. I had a movie watching night at my place August 4th... I enjoyed it, but was stressed at the same time... about 8 folks in my small space with my 4 pets made me realize I don't do well in crowds in small spaces!

I then totally lost my mind when I lost my glasses August 6th. I had them on my face in the morning before work... then they disappeared. I got a little hysterical, Pastor Jen came to pick me up and drive me to work where I thought my 2nd pair might be. I was there for about three hours when I found the 2nd pair, right there on my desk. I spent three weeks feeling crazy looking for my glasses everywhere, Molly even helped.

August 25th was the day I snapped. I met Catherine, Katie and Molly at Day's coffee to head to help Rachel move in from Atlanta. While at Day's I had this flashback of Feb. 9th; Mel and I were getting coffee there prior to meeting folks to head to Cincinnati. I was standing in line next to Mel when I got the message from Forrest that first made me aware of his struggle. The flashback brought back the "what if's". I had wanted to go see him, but his wife suggested towards the end of February that wasn't a good idea and in fact later he very angrily told me not to come, made me promise not to come visit. He was going to the doctor and getting a prescription and that should fix it. Two weeks later, I spoke with him on the phone and he sounded really good. That was 2 days before he killed himself.

I was an emotional wreck that day in August. It took all of half an hour tops with all of us moving things to the basement for Rachel. Then I headed out to crazy land. I got in my car and drove. I stumbled into a Catholic church during mass. Took communion (going to hell for sure now) and just drove some more. I was feeling crazier than I had ever been... grieving harder than I had to date. I remember thinking about driving into a tree. I was trying to find some peace, some comfort and just driving. I ended up in Loretto, KY at the Motherhouse for the Sisters of Loretto. There I sat by a lake taking pictures of the trees and in particular a feather that was caught in the leaves of the tree just above me. The feather was stuck, blowing in the wind, but unable to go anywhere, completely at the trees mercy. I had heard there were little hermitages somewhere at the Motherhouse. I wanted to stay there, but couldn't find anyone to give me any info. I sat there until I was exhausted... then headed home. I missed Rachels welcome home party that evening, because I was not in the space to socialize. Looking back now, I feel like that day was a bit of a turning point...I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere to go but up.

The next day, while trying to put myself back together, I was on the phone with Pastor Jen when I found my glasses... or at least part of them... there was a bent and twisted and broken earpiece laying in yard, obvioulsy chewed up by the lawn mower. I totally identified with my glasses at that point. Bent, twisted, broken and disconnected and a larger part of me simply missing. At least the mystery was solved.

Still seeing the crazy lady every couple of weeks or so, I found some distraction from my pain there. We hiked and took pictures, all the while I was keeping my boundaries but struggling to do so. A big part of me wanted to totally let go and start the most unhealthy relationship ever... another part of me held back. I found maintaining relationships with my friends a big struggle at this time. I wasn't happy with myself, and I was not happy in how a handful of my friendships were doing either. You know, the world was out to get me and I felt folks just weren't doing enough to help me out. Clearly, in retrospect... this was my shit, as I wallowed in my victim role for a bit.

August ended and September begans with the Labor Day weekend trip that wasn't... for me anyway. I struggled with my decision to go or not to go to Rachel's family farm in Knoxville... not finding easy practical answers... I opted out and decided to stay home and give in to the crazy lady relationship that wasn't.

Friday, August 31st, Catherine and I were to make chinese dumplings... decided we were both too overwrought to do so...instead we had pizza at Jacamo's on Goss ave. We had good pizza and she listened as I whined and wallowed about my struggle in my frienships. After dinner, I headed to the grocery and then home to find a card on my door from my friends letting me know that my new pair of frames, just like the ones that were bent and broken, were on their way. No names of who specifically, I will never know. What I do know is that it was the best surpirse anyone has ever given me. I was humbled and honored and ashamed of my judgment of where I thought others were and how I thought they should behave. It meant way more to me that just a gift of the frames. It spoke volumes to me from my friends of their love and support and their understanding of what losing my glasses began for me... my descent. This was the rope I needed to help pull me out of the depths of despair. I know that sounds sappy, but it is so true. I will never have the words to express my gratitude for this gift that gave to me on so many levels.

As for the crazy lady...fortunately, she found someone else and left me in the lurch! What a blessing for me!

Finally, I'll close the 3rd quarter of this year with a few words about my retreat in September. I blogged extensively about it so I won't cover all the points again. September 13th marked the 6 month anniversary of Forrest's death. I had tons of anxiety in doing so, but I went on a retreat into the woods. Pastor Jen had prepared a retreat survival kit for me including books, a beautiful supportive letter and a copy of the poem Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. Many other friends called and sent text messages while I was gone and Molly took care of my pets! I had great experiences and came to see that spirit is all around me. I see it better when in the woods, so that's where I have to go to be reminded.

There are a few more September highlights... but as the retreat marked another turning point... my full emergence from my depression, I will end here and begin a new chapter/4th qtr blog where I began a natural new chapter in the year.

2007 The Year in Review-2nd Quarter

April began with a FREEZING Easter weekend April 4-6th. I had declared 2007 the year of beer earlier, but decided in light of recent events, that bourbon was a more suitable elixer, so April is a bit of a blur. I remember Meeting Molly, another Rachel and yet another Jen- and attending an Easter camp out (for only a few hours as it was way too cold to camp) in a less than aware state of mind. That was the first time I experienced a weekend at Camp Mel's, where I was able to soak up a lot of needed love, support and nurturing.

April 13th and 14th I sang in my first VOICES concert.

April 21st was my birthday and Thunder Over Louisville. I had dinner with Robin Dianna Suzanne and Catherine... rode bikes with Catherine downtown for the craziness that is "Thunder" and went to a PJ party at Jai and Sarah's to celebrate Jai's birthday which is April 22.

Celebrated Mel's Birthday, April 25th with a cookout on the river, celebrated Catherine's April 28th birthday with a party at her house, made a trip to CaveHill with Katie, where I learned I can't climb trees any more, and Jenny treated both Catherine and I to a birthday celebration April 29th with a trip to the zoo.

May rang in with an exciting Derby, meaning another weekend at Camp Mel's, May 4-6th where we got to witness Tiff's first Derby experience.

May 10th Mel Carol and I saw the GreenCards in concert at that weird church in town.

May 11-13th was a weekend in Black Mountain North Carolina for LEAF where Molly and Rachel helped me honor the two month anniversary of Forrest's death and Mother's day, where I scattered some of Forrest's ashes not too far from where I had scattered some of mom's 6 1/2 years earlier.

A LONG drive to Madison Indiana to see the Duhks for the 2nd weekend in a row occurred on May 18th when Carol Mel Tiff and I took the scenic route.

There was a memorable evening at Waterfront Wednesday May 30th that was significant in my developing role with NewCentury and was a difficult evening for a handful of folks present for varying reasons. Sheesh... April and May were busy, I am exhausted merely reading about it now.

June... June began with a tic infested (but still much fun) camping trip with Carrie and my pups June 2nd and 3rd

Another trip in town June 8th for Jen Rock, Molly and Rachel found most of the folks here in town exhausted and a bit cranky... We all now sport I love J-Rock shirts in support of her performance at a Lisa's tavern. We made the obligitory Farmer's Market visit, and then I spent a bit of time at the ER with Mel after she cut her knee and needed stitches on June 9th. I will post no photos for the sake of those with active imaginations and weak stomachs.

June 17th was the first annual Father's day at Bernheim (mark your calendars now for the 2nd annual one June 15 2008) where Carol shared her father's ties AND taught us how to tie them! I was able to scatter some more ashes and I was cranky and grieving hard... but survived it with the love and support of those around... and phone calls and messages from those not around!

June 22nd Mel, Carol and Tiff and I had a double date, where I hear I flung chocolate across the room, the bourbon was treating me right and numbing some pain.

Sometime towards the end of June, I volunteered to help out with the books and the website for NewCentury and Shekinah as I was beginning to realize how important that was becoming to my spiritual journey as well as to my survival in the midst of the muck I was traversing.

June marked the beginning of the end of one of my denial periods regarding Forrest's death as I began to slip into a depression and start to disconnect from many friends.

Thus ends the 2nd quarter of 2007... More coming soon!

2007 The Year in Review

Halloween came and went without the intended post about costumes I had as a child, Thanksgiving came and went without a post about my thankfulness, and well… Christmas day came and went; frankly my only wish was to survive… blogging never entered my mind. Here as we are about to enter into a new year, I’d like to reflect on 2007. I intend to take a look at each month individually. Likely in more than one blog.

As a brief intro to 2007, I'll need to address the latter part of 2006... you know I can't tell a partial story!

December 10th 2006, I walked away from the unhealthy relationship of that year. Noticing my tendency to repeat the same patterns over and over, I felt the only way to break that one was to walk completey away from my best friend and any hopes of anything more with her.

Ironically, the same day also introduced me to Jud and Jen and many others who would come to help shape my 2007, followed by a December 16 meeting of Catherine, a re-meeting of Cindy, and a reaquanting with Natalie; Others who have helped me through 2007. Proving to me once again my belief that grief and loss can create a space that can be filled with great things, not a replacement mind you... something completely different and in this case more profound, genuine and fulfilling. Had I not made room for these folks, I feel certain the year would have been dratically more difficult to navigate.

This is me January 1st 2007, before I took down my Christmas tree. See it on the wall? My mom and Forrest made that in 1981. Anyway, my thought at the time was that I might like to use a photo of me and all my pets for my Christmas cards in 2007. Who knew my family would grow this year, making this a dated photo! You should have seen the 32 other photos I took. My tripod and time delay feature on my camera made this possible at all.

I have no specific memories of January. I began my netflix subscription and spent a lot of time at home watching movies and grieving. I did venture out and go to church a couple of times with Mel, who kept my head above water.

February came in with me in better shape emotionally. I saw Girlyman in concert for the 3rd time February 3rd. I believe that's the night I met Tiff, although she believes we met before then. Feb 10th a group of us headed to Cincinnati to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center and to Jungle Jim's International Market. Here's a collage of some of those photos and a couple of a Feb evening of pizza movies with another Jen friend and my babies.February 10th also marked the first time I knew things weren't right with Forrest. He had called and left me a message, he didn't sound good at all. In retrospect, this was the beginning of watching a train wreck happen in slow motion.

February 16th I was introduced to more pivotal people for me in 2007. I met Jenny, Rachel, Jai, Sarah, and re-met Catherine at a Blue Umbrella's concert at the Monkey Wrench.

I don't know the exact dates, but sometime in January and February I was attending both CCC and NewCentury. I had gone to CCC the first time December 10th and was introduced to the pastor of NewCentury at the same time. Although I was unaware that NewCentury was a church. I was attending the "Just Be" services on Wed nights contently thinking it was "meditation".

In February I participated in Lenten services for the first time in my life and even decided to give up a few thing for the season.

My favorite Feb memory is participating in the headshaving process of a friend for her Lenten journey on Ash Wednesday, Feb 21st.

The last Feb memory I have is of Mardi Gras at Clifton's Pizza. I was beginning to learn that I was way too out of shape to party like the CCC folks can.

So in rolls March... coming in like a lamb and leaving like a lion... I know the saying is the other way around... but not for me, not this year. March 3rd, Katie, Jenny, Tiff and I went to Karaoke after dancing one night. What fun! I remember feeling playful and free and enjoying my many new found friends. Lots of laughing, and developing connections and exploring my spirituality, finding a space, ever so shyly at NewCentury.

Then March 13th, Forrest took his own life. No note left behind. He took everything out of his pockets, left everything on top of the well made bed, went to the garage, presumably to reduce any mess, put a plastic bag over his head and shot himself. Funny that I can type those words with barely a tear in my eye. It stills seems so unreal and today I feel disconnected. There is the pain in my chest, and a lump in my throat, but I find it odd that's all I have. Of course I remember where I was when I found out. I was driving home from work exiting the highway at St. Catherine's Street. I had planned to walk my dogs in the park and didn't know what else to do, so I went on with the plan. Jenny, who I had known for less than a month, met me there and walked with me. Mel was in Puerto Rico. Other folks were still at work. All I could do is walk my dogs. I stopped by Robin and Dianna's. I can't remember anything else from that night. I went to work the next day at 5am and cleaned up somethings, told a few folks what happened, and left to go cut my hair. I felt it was the only thing I had any control over. Later that day, dear Catherine came and picked me up, took me for mint chocolate chip ice cream, to Wild Oats and then to her house where she made me granola. Thursday night, Mel came home. We spoke on the phone many times in the long two days between the time Forrest died and her return. I was so glad she was home. The next few days are a blur of more supportive phone calls and visits and a re-piercing of my ear... another controllable event.

Here are 2 pics of me the day after Forrest died and the rest are pictures taken during my 10 hour stay in Florida on St. Patrick's Day for Forrest's funeral. My plane landed in Orlando at 8:30am and left at 6:30pm. This was followed by the death of my biological father's mother exactly a week after Forrest's death. Before I headed to West Virginia for that funeral... I headed to the woods for an overnight stay March 20th in a cabin at Otter Creek. March 21st I attended NewCentury and discovered it was actually "church". There was communion and everything. Turns out they do this the 3rd Wednesday of each month. This one was my first, and threw me for a loop, especially while trying to deal with my grief in a quiet space.

I was in West Virginia for less than 24 hours. I had planned an "Everyone Love Kelly Party" for the March 24th, the same day as my grandmother's funeral, and well... I needed it so I drove home. Thanks to Robin and Dianna for hosting my love and support and bourbon filled evening of denial. I had a good time... see for yourself! March 25th, I got a tattoo. I have no more specific memories of March. It ended, and I survived heading full force into a headfirst tumble into April. Thus ends the first quarter of 2007. The review of rest of the year is to be continued...

Halcyon Days

I am being proactive about selecting my totem bird for 2008. I decided that I cling to much to the vulture. Vultures represent cleansing and purification. I am not at all suggesting that is a bad thing. Just 'everything in moderation'.

I appreciate vultures because they take on an undesirable role in cleaning up the world. They prevent bacteria from spreading and causing disease. I also tend to be appreciate the underdogs, it whatever capacity. I think vultures are underappreciated and therefore I appreciate them. Again, not necessaily a bad thing. But I recently realized that I may identify too much with the underdog, or the underappreciated, or the victim role. Vultures take what is left over and discarded.... I am trying to be intentional about asking for what I want in the world, in many different ways, and not just taking the leftovers, no longer living in fear of scarcity. There simply is enough of everything that I need to go around.

So I have chosen a bird that I have always been fond of. The kingfisher. One of the things this bird represents is prosperity.

Also, ironically enough, we happen to be in the season of the kingfisher...

According to Greek legend, Ceyx and Halcyon were wed. Shortly thereafter Ceyx had to make a long voyage and he drowned during a storm. Halcyon waited for his return for months. Then one day his body washed ashore. In her grief she threw herself into the ocean. The gods were moved by her love and grief. She and her husband were turned into Kingfishers and were reunited in love and peace. The Gods then declared that from one week before the winter solstice through one week after it, the seas would be calm and sun would shine. This time of peace is called the "Halycon Days"

Kingfishers also represent:

• Connection to peaceful seas
• Happiness and love
• Peace
• Indifference to surroundings
• Clear vision through emotional waters
• Ability to dive (focus) into emotional waters and catch ones dreams
• New warmth
• Sunshine
• Prosperity
• Love

I don't know if one can intentionally select a totem, or if they have to come into your life first to become your totem... but I can use all of the above in 2008, so I am putting it out there and claiming it! and as a disclaimer, I actually stalked an illusive kingfisher on my retreat into the woods and did capture a few very pixelated photos!

Nativity scenes?

This one's my favorite

Check out more here

Where the Great Heron Feeds

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

OK, so the real name of the poem is The Peace of Wild Things and it was written by Wendell Berry. I was introduced to this poem about a month ago and was immediately taken with it. A few days later I memorized and read it at a church retreat while Ladyburg drew a beautiful picture of a heron. That was the Magical Mystical Church weekend.

After our morning of sharing in poetry and so much more, we headed to Cherokee park to do more of the same and have a picnic lunch. The experiences shared there were magical all on there own, but just before we left, Jud spotted a great blue heron. While all of us enjoyed the heron for a bit, it was Katie, Ashley and myself that seemed unable to walk away from this beautiful creature who seemed so unconcerned with the very nearness of us. She was beautiful and graceful and stepped through the water with an elegance seldom seen. She came even closer to us, bent down, plucked this big red fish out of the creek and strutted to the other side of the creek, faced us and held it in her mouth for it seemed like a minute or more. She then opened her mouth and swallowed the fish whole. Down the long slender neck it went... we saw it slide down until it rested just above her shoulder where we could still see it distorting the shape of the base of her neck. She then shimmied and the shape disappeared into her belly.

It was an amazing weekend. A weekend where I was fed and one in which I am still being fed. It was a grief anniversary weekend for me where I was able to literally go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I've Been Tagged by LadyBurg!

Tagged = someone challenges you to come up with 10 random things about yourself, then you have to tag 5 other bloggers.

10 Random things about me:

1. I have a soft heart and maybe even a slight obsession with both vultures and opossums. I think they are the under-dogs of the animal world and feel that they are severely under-appreciated.
2. I can tell you that a Taco Bell taco-the regular corn, hard shell kind- when properly made, weighs 3 oz. Those 3 oz consist of 1.5 oz beef like substance, ½ oz lettuce, ¼ cheese, and the shell weighs ¾ oz. Add another oz for a supreme (3/4 oz sour cream, ¼ oz tomatoes)
3. I have always wanted to learn to play the cello. Last summer I rented one and tried to teach myself. I gave up after a month. I still want to learn, but will try an instructor next time.
4. Although I am a self proclaimed vegetarian… I LOVE bacon!!! It is one of the biggest temptations is my world. I consider bacon the gateway meat- in the same way that pot is sometimes said to be a gateway drug, opening the door to harder ones.
5. I love plants and I love to garden, but I tend to forget to water plants for months at a time and generally, eventually kill them.
6. I grew up near the beach and spent summers vacationing in Kentucky. Never thought it odd until I moved to KY and found everyone here vacations in Florida.
7. I visited East Berlin in 1987, 2 years before the wall was torn down. The only picture I have shows a big thumb covering 90% of the picture. You can see my bright red pants and white Reebok high tops and a bit of graffiti on a wall behind me.
8. I have been to the Daytona 500.
9. On January 28, 1986, I watched the space shuttle Challenger blow up from my high school campus, less than three miles away from the launch site at Kennedy Space Center.
10. I have a sometimes considered odd or uncanny memory for dates of happenings, I can generally tell you what time it is within 15 minutes, and I don’t use an alarm to wake up in the mornings (that was three in one… a couple of bonus ones there)!
    

I tag:

Melanie at melanie's meanderings
Jens at Rest Break
Rachel at i'm not sure...
Tiffany at Lost in Louisville
rachelerin at This day...
and because I can't count...
Dott at Dott Comments

Jewelry

Here's some of what I have been creating this week:

note: the red at the top of both photos is the pins holding the necklaces in place

Cheater Post

This is officially another one of those posts just to ensure I do not let the entire month pass without blogging.

I am hoping it will also serve as a role of accountability for me to post regarding the following topics:

• Magical Herons and Mystical Churches
• My new kitten Linney... who is not so new anymore, but I never blogged about her.
• My heartburn (bet you can't wait for that one)
• Sourdough bread baking
• Jewelry making
• Photography taking
• and leaf raking -not really... but it's seasonally appropriate and it rhymed--ooh which brings me to...
• Poetry

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I may not get to them all, but hopefully this will get me started.

I will take requests for blog posting on the above or other potential topics!

Wild Geese

by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.

Departure- Retreat Part 3

On my way out, I stopped one last time at Mary's Lake; to soak in the sunshine and crisp autumn breeze, to search perhaps again for the Great Horned Owl protecting her surrounding Forrest, or to catch another glimpse of the Fishing Green Heron.

As I walk away towards my car that will take me back to reality, I feel saddened to leave Mary's Lake and Cedars of Peace. As I feel the sorrow and pangs in my heart, I believe that I will leave a piece of me here. As those thoughts and feelings settle in my mind and heart, I also realize that I will be taking a piece with me. A piece of the land and the trees, the butterflies and frogs, the cleansing breeze and the sunshine, the dragonflies, deer, owls and herons, and the Forrest surrounding the lake. It is now as it has always been, a part of me.

As I continue walking away, it brings me joy to think of my sharing the heron theme of this year. I will share the heron, the owl and the Forrest, with all those I know. Which is to say, that I will share the love, the peace, the wonder and the hope that I have found in this moment.

Can't see the Forrest for the trees? Retreat Part 2

I wander around deep in the woods, seeing beauty all around. Feeling connected to nature and God- and feeling grounded and happy- seeing owls in the middle of the day, butterflies landing on my leg and shoulder, watching a green heron fish in the lake for hours, then taunt me with a nearby visit.

Feeling at one with all becomes a visual thought while watching my shadow move across the landscape and become part of the shadows of the trees. Watching the shadows merge, I have never doubted less the one-ness of all things, all beings.

Even still, frustration turns in me, as I still can't seem to find Forrest's presence. It does eventually occur to me that I may be a bit stubborn (OK, so it's not a new thought). Am I looking too hard- beyond all the magic that is happening all around me? Maybe he is here- in the Forrest surrounding the lake, near the heron, maybe he is the heron- Forrest was quite the fisherman in his day. I will try today to not look so hard for answers and signs, and believe that I did see the Forrest- and the trees- and I will enjoy the peace that brings.

Retreat

I just spent a 48 hour retreat alone in a cabin at Cedars of Peace at the Sisters of Loretto in Nerinx, KY.
Thank God for cell phones and friends that text and leave messages, allowing my solitude to not feel like isolation.
Here's a few things I discovered while gone:

• I stayed in wonder, yet hope was visible just outside my door. Seriously, "Wonder" was the name of my cabin and was nestled just behind "Hope"; which of course meant to me that hope is just ahead.
• I am not a country girl. As I wandered down the gravel road, I kept noticing corn cobs strewn about. I immediately thought how sweet it was for the sisters to feed the squirrels; as that's what we do in the city, buy dried corn on the cob to feed the squirrels. I had already marvelled at the massive corn field just to my left that had already been cut down for the season. It did eventually occur to me that is where the corn cobs had come from.
• Ants can eat a butterfly alive. It was a sad sight for me. I tried to intervene, but it was already looking a little too late for the butterfly. I cried.
• I witnessed a pair of dragonflies playing by the lake, skimming the water for dinner. Then, suddenly one became trapped in some algae funk and was unable to fly away. You can maybe imagine the loud bzzzing that was occurring as the dragonfly flailed about trying to escape the vegetation's death grip. I was able to relieve my butterfly guilt and rescue the most beautiful green dragonfly I have ever seen as its playmate buzzed about frantically watching the entire episode. I also let the picture of the day escape me as a result. I was stalking a green heron in hopes of capturing a photo of his winged departure. He flew away while I was putting on my super hero cape.
• A troupe of deer make less noise in the woods than a single squirrel. I find that fascinating.
• Twin beds are indeed much smaller than my king size bed at home. I rolled over to grab my phone to receive a text... and rolled off the bed and onto the floor, where I stayed laughing wildly for a bit.
• The number one can represent loneliness or it can represent one-ness with all and connected-ness and therefore not alone at all.

I went to the woods seeking

solitude, comfort and peace

I entered the woods fearing

Isolation, pain and despair

I steeped in the woods soaking in

Wonder, hope and joy

I left the woods feeling

Love, peace and connection

I come away renewed, refreshed and resurrected

My mind, my spirit and my soul.

Thanks to All

Here's a picture of the card that was placed on my door Friday night.

Well, I am not sure who to send thank you cards to, and I can't afford a thank you billboard. Therefore, a thank you blog will have to suffice (on a side note, while typing the word "blog, I originally typed the word "clog". Those of you who may prefer a thank you clog, either in the dance form or the stopped up drain form, please contact me directly and I will see what we can arrange).

Seriously, not often am I speechless. This gift has touched me more than any of you can ever know. I have no words to describe my feelings. Thank you for the gift, and more importantly, I am ever thankful for the continued gift of friendship from you all.

I found my glasses... sort of.

So, three weeks ago tomorrow I began a descent into depression that began with the losing of my glasses. Due to the fear of just such an occurrence, I purchased two pairs this past spring, but my black and green ones are my favorite. I suppose I should say 'were' rather than 'are', but I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

The morning started with me putting my favorite glasses on my face thinking I wish I knew right where my other pair were, as I would have preferred to wear them that particular morning. I continued to get ready for work and out the door I went. But, it was one of THOSE Monday mornings where things just weren't going right. I had to go back inside my house three times before I had all that I needed to head to work. I was a little rattled, but out I set down the alley pedaling my bike to work. That's when I noticed it, I didn't have my glasses on my face, so back into the house I went. I looked everywhere and couldn't find them or my second pair. Into a frantic and out of control breakdown went I. With a bit of hope of the slight possibility that my second pair of glasses was at work, I called a handful of folks and finally secure a ride to work from my dear friend Jen. Delicious meltdown mode is I believe how she described my hysteria.

I arrived at work and found no glasses, but thought I would just force myself to make it through the day without them. I can see without them, it is uncomfortable and things in the distance are blurry, but I can survive if need be. After working for about three hours, I moved a folder on my desk, and there was my second pair of glasses! Feeling a little crazy, but at least now having restored my sight, I made it through the day and came home to turn the house upside down in search of my black and green glasses!

No where to be found, I decided that this was symbolic for something in my life. You know, like I lack clarity, or vision, or I am searching for something I can't see... or the search was symbolic for perhaps my search for my mind which I feel like I have lost entirely. I had begun to think that if only I could find my glasses, things would start to fall back into place and perhaps I could pull myself out of this depression I seem stuck in.

Today, three weeks later, I found my glasses. Or part of them anyway. I found one bent, twisted and badly cut earpiece. The lawn was mowed yesterday, as apparently were my glasses.

I now see the entire experience as more symbolic of how I have been feeling. Lost and removed from my source, ever searching for clarity that so often seems to be lacking for me, and now, disjointed, twisted, bent and cut deeply... and disconnected from and simply lacking the bigger part of the whole.

At least I now know they didn't really

just dematerialize right from my face.

Herons

It was spring of 2006 when I first noticed them. How excited I was to see a heron flying over downtown Louisville. Then another and another. They would appear alone, or in numbers of up to 5 that I have seen. It seems they have a flight path that crosses over 65 near St Catherine and Floyd St. I found out recently, that to the dismay of many people, they nest in or around Germantown, flying to and from the river, bringing fish carcasses and polluting neighborhood yards; I personally would be thrilled to have a heron in my yard, dead fish, stinky poop and all. In any case, back to the story at hand... I think they are night herons.

Here's a night heron photo

I took of a few years ago:

As most of you know, I have a bit of an obsession with birds. I feel the need to point most birds out to others as I see them (which can be really annoying to others on road trips).

Last year, I spent most of my time, energy, love, friendship and frustration fixated on one other person. Every time I saw one of these herons, I pointed it out. As we spoke on the phone many times throughout the day, we would be in the middle of a conversation, and I would briefly interrupt to say, "oh, there goes another heron". And in another few minutes, "there's 2 more", and so on it went. It got to the point that she requested I merely keep a tally of all the birds I saw and report it to her once a day.

This year, I am happy to say that I don't talk to any one person on the phone 15 times a day and I am not burdening one person with my heron speak. We could spend lots of time analyzing the seemingly lack of compassion in this other individual, but this is my side of this story, and besides I have done that plenty!

The point I wish to make is that I feel like I am tons healthier this year. I haven't and don't put all my eggs in one basket. I share my stories and my life with many people. I don't look to one person to meet all of my needs, nor do I try to meet all of one person's needs. I think this makes for one much more emotionally healthy Kelly and one who has great gratitude for all of those with whom I am sharing the herons in 2007.

What if...

Today I was introduced to my first case of the "what ifs". It knocked the wind out of me for quite some time, and is likely not gone yet. Words of wisdom from a wise friend...

"...there are no what ifs, there is only what is"

and something to the effect of...

"Kelly, you ain't that big and bad that you could have controlled, prevented or changed this"

She's right, of course. I suppose this is just part of my process... I was a little surprised by the "what ifs". They definitely sneaked up on me. Three months ago, I was angry when it was suggested that any one could have done any thing differently to have achieved another outcome. Everyone did the best they could, right? RIGHT?

Back to the simple point of it... it just simply is... that's all.

It is.

Random Peacock

So there was this peacock walking up Grinstead today. He walked on the side of the road, I swear he stopped to look before crossing Bardstown Road, actually at the crosswalk. It was obvious that all the nearby cars were aware of the bird, so traffic was stopped and all were safe.

Very thankful am I for my new camera phone!

Here he is right behind the bus stop on Grinstead and Bardstown Road:

Apparently, he decided not to take the bus today

and instead walked through Wendy's parking lot:

He continued on, heading down the alley behind Pita Delight's. I was obviously stalking him at this point. He was approaching Baxter avenue and I was certain that Mr. Peacock wasn't going to take a right to cross at the crosswalk at Bardstown and Grinstead.

I slammed the car in park, jumped out and ran down the alley, arriving just in the nick of time to run out into the middle of the road to stop traffic so Mr. Peacock could cross safely.


Here he is on some unknown mission- likey headed to the cemetary; although not Cave Hill, which is where he came from:

Feeling my duty was complete, I headed home to blog about the event. An after thought... should I actually have been run over by one of the cars that I stopped, know that I would have died happy, as long as the bird was able to cross safely.

The First Annual Father's Day Hike/Picnic at Bernheim

Carol brought her father's ties to give to all of us.

It was a hard day for me; in fact it was a hard weekend for me.

However, this day was filled with moments of laughter and fun,

tenderness and comfort, good food and wonderful friends,

ritual and spirit, support and love for all of us,

trees and vultures, and sharing and tears.

Thanks to all who came and shared and loved.

So, the thing about grief...

is that it can come up and bite you in the ass when you have been ignoring it for too long.

I once watched this hawk do an amazing thing. A storm came up quickly, the winds became abruptly strong and the sky opened up and rain poured heavily. I watched this hawk fly through the storm for a bit and land on this large branch. It had to really fight to keep its perch. It hung in there for some time, struggling all the while. Then it flew to another branch, one I thought was less sturdy. What happened surprised me. The hawk rode the branch as it moved with the winds. She didn't struggle much, other than latching on with a good tight grip. The storm ended as quickly as it had appeared and the hawk flew away, seemingly not any worse for the wear.

Now that was January 3, 2006. I reflect on this often and sometimes I find a new lesson therein. This is what I thought of today:

• One should not fly through the storm as if it doesn't exist. Instead, it's a good idea to recognize, honor and respect the storm.
• One should not rely on the seemingly most sturdy branch around. Just because your foundation seems strong, clinging to it might mean you have to fight extra hard to weather the storm.
• Finding a branch that gives seems to be the best way to endure a storm. Find a foundation that allows some flexibility and gives a little; dig your claws in and ride it through to the end. Knowing there will likely be another wave of that strong band of storms coming from the west... and there's nothing one can do to prevent it; just prepare to ride it out.

I'm off to get my yellow slicker, some boots, some goggles so I can better see through the storm, and maybe a life jacket to hold me afloat should the branch fall and I drown in my own tears.

by the way, happy father's day!

The Tent

Here's a photographic journey of the reassembly of my tent after it was mistakenly disassembled rather than simply folded.

First attempt; it might work as a Tepee?

53rd Attempt and two hours later;

after help from 2 nice neighbor guys.
Attempts 2-52 were not photographed because of severe frustration,
blood, sweat, and tears that nearly drove the photographer insane.

Rainfly assembled correctly!

Me; exasperated, yet thrilled that
the task was accomplished!

random poem of unknown origin

How magical and wondrous you once were
An enchanted prisoner became the heart
Like so many before

It grew twisted and bent and skewed

Need and want became one in the mind
Needing communion with your heart
Wanting a drop of love in return
All joy was held within your hands

Divine Providence like thunder cracked your façade
Allowing in a glimmer of light and hope and truth
And lightening struck with inexpressible force and vengeance
And shattered the spell that was

With gratitude for the experience
And compassion for your emptiness
This heart grew wings
And learns to fly free

Multiple Mottoed

So, mottoed is actually a word, I looked it up. However, when I say that I am multiple mottoed in '07, it sounds like I say multiple mottled, which I think describes me as well... but I digress.

Another motto I claim for this year:

• I am Sharin' the Herons in '07

I will try to follow up eventually with an explanation of that one. Meanwhile, if you can't wait that long, call me, I'll explain.

What's your motto for 2007?

As mentioned in a previous post, 2007 was originally suppose to be The Year of Beer for me. However, due to a life altering decision made by another, in March, I altered it to be The Year of Bourbon. I was also originally looking forward to participating in the Casual Dating '07 movement, but that doesn't feel right anymore either. I feel now as if I need to actually make a plan to do things in my life rather than merely saying I should do these things; therefore my new motto is Makin' it Happen in '07!

• I am Makin' it Happen in '07!
• Jen is In It To Win It in '07!
• Erick is Napping on the Couch in '07!
• Carol is Raising the Bar-n in '07!

What are you doing in '07?

• Rachel is Casual Dating in '07
• Kate says You Ain't That Big 'N Bad in '07

My Girls

In the past three weeks, I have had my breasts fondled by more women than I can count.

Frankly speaking however, the left is feeling slightly neglected. Should anyone feel the call to step up and handle the situation to remedy this blatant display of favoritism, please contact me.

In all seriousness, I am relieved to report that

both my girls are happy and as healthy as they can be!

Lake Eden Arts Festival

If you have never been to LEAF in Black Mountain, NC (just outside of Asheville), I highly recommend going at least once.

This was the 7th time I had been to LEAF, but the first time I had camped. Here's one view from our tent. This is absolutely no representation of the sea of tents among us. Although we were camping on top of each other, everyone at LEAF always seems to be wonderfully tolerant, liberal and like minded folk, and therefore it's not at all like camping, oh say at Deam lake, amongst drunk obnoxious folks; not to say that many of these folks were not drunk, just not obnoxious or angry.

Things I learned while camping this weekend:

• That extra pole that came with my tent, the tent I have owned and used many times in the past 7 years or so, is not really an extra pole, and should not be left at home. It really goes to the rain fly that helps keep us dry in case of rain... the rain fly doesn't do as good of a job without this pole; as learned Friday night while Molly and I slept on a raft (air mattress) in a puddle, and Rachel made due with a much smaller floatation device, also known as a ground pad.
• It's a good idea to waterproof a tent; thanks Rachel, I'll work on that for future camping experiences.
• Although it is not necessary to bring everything but the kitchen sink when camping, I feel so much better knowing that I have four flashlights, two pocket knives, a kitchen knife with a built in cheese slicer, a roll of paper towels (although I didn't use even one) a roll of (soon soggy) toilet paper, a big box of matches (although we were not allowed to build a fire), and numerous other miscellaneous items. I am nothing if not (over) prepared.
• Requesting a candle from a trip to town isn't as easy a task as it seems (a guest blog entry regarding this story would certainly be welcomed here).
• Text messaging is a wonderful thing while roaming around a huge hippie festival.
• I prefer to never go camping without Molly, as she rolled up all sleeping bags and the air mattress and pretty much broke down camp with no assistance, while Rachel and I were off waltzing, leaving only the tent to come down later.
• I may never be able to put my tent up again, but the company and the weekend were well worth it!
• I somehow acquired the leftover wisconsin white cheese (sorry, but thank you) and found that when bananas are stored in the cooler everything absorbs their flavor, as discovered as I write this entry while eating a banana flavored grilled cheese sandwhich.
• Another visit to NC is necessary soon, as I didn't get much quality time with Bryony. :(
• Molly and Rachel are two of the finest folks I know, good people indeed. Warm, welcoming, loving, accepting, appreciative, responsive, nurturing, wise, supportive, amazing listeners, helpful, hopeful, inspiring, and beautiful and wonderful in so so many ways.

• I am lucky to have such beautiful and wonderful friends; chances are, if you are pictured here, or are even simply reading this, I have a crush on you; like the dog I must have been in a previous life, it's puppy love indeed. Pat me on the head and scratch me behind the ear and I'll love you forever. Fact is I love everyone who has been so supportive and nurturing to me lately. It is so appreciated and needed... thanks!

Things I Learned Derby Weekend at Camp Mel's

Molly and Rachel

Tiff: Getting Derbied

Mel and Kel

Rachel and Catherine

Rachel, Mel, Carol, Tiffany, Molly and me

• Although it is possible to make a conscious decision to not let someone else steal your joy, it's not always effective, or the wisest of choices
• Apparently, parties have to last 65 hours at Mel's
• When the mattress gets dragged out into her living room, Melanie's house officially becomes Camp Mel's
• Camp Mel's is the place to be for Derby
• Some random folks got "partied" and Tiff Reckoning got "Derbied"
• My new favorite phrase is "Mel, just a minute ago, I got Drrruh-uhnk"!
• Hotlanta took her mom's fashion advice from the previous visit seriously; gotta love Cathy for her wisdom
• Having never been exposed to homemade ice-cream, I have now had 3 fabulous experiences; homemade by two different beautiful women... all within the past three weeks! Life IS good!
• I still make pretty darn good guacamole
• Boston makes the best mint juleps ever, tailored especially for every one's specific needs
• Twig and Leaf doesn't do grits well... but there's an award winning recipe that carol could sell them
• Thanks to a dance lesson, some cleavage, and a dance with one who can waltz like none other, I found my dancing feet again, they had been on hiatus for a bit
• I will never be able to eat a mango alone... it has to be a shared fruit as someone else has to cut them for me
• Tiffany wields a mango cutting knife like none other
• Tiff and I are partnered in life in the following areas: music sharing, mango eating, clove smoking, and crop sharing
• Knox was sorely missed this time 'round

There is nothing better in the world than a house full of women talking, laughing, loving, breathing, cooking, crying, drinking, writing, kissing, thinking, dreaming.

This is the way, it's the way that we love... and it should be the way that we live,

ALL THE TIME!

Thanks once again Mel, your hospitality is as always fabulous, and you and your friends are wonderful. I am blessed to be a part of all the acceptance, the love and the fun!

Cave Hill Cemetary (Part Two); Meet Kitka

The mini marathon was the best day to visit Cave Hill. All the entrances were blocked due to the race, therefore Katie and I parked a couple of blocks away and walked in. It was very peaceful and we saw no other vistors until we met Kitka.

This is Kitka.

She lives in the cemetary, using a barn as her shelter and home. She is free to roam wherever she wants, and is owned by no one.

This lovely lady is one half of the couple that comes daily to take care of Kitka. They feed her, brush her, love her, and take her to the vet as necessary.

The woman's husband told us about Kitka. He was careful to make sure he spelled her name for Katie and me.

He told us that they have been caring for her for several years on a daily basis. At one point another couple took Kitka with them so she'd have a better life in their home. She was returned to the cemetary soon thereafter, apparently happier when free.

I was inspired by this couple's love and devotion to Kitka, and the fact that they have no need to own her. How sweet it is to let her live her life as she seems to prefer. I was also inspired by Kitka's happiness in living alone and her willingness to accept the love and tenderness from her ever faithful chosen family.

This was definitely an unexpected bonus to our visit, and left us with smiles on our faces.

Me with Katie,

One member of my ever faithful chosen family

Cave Hill Cemetary (Part One)

While on a stroll through this beautiful cemetery, Katie and I see the perfect tree for climbing. Seriously, it was begging to be climbed. So Katie, ever so gracefully, ascends the tree. See below:

I decide that I must also ascend the tree. Fortunately, my camera was on the ground and no where near Katie's hands, because what ensued thereafter was not nearly as elegant of a display as I had envisioned. All of 3.5 feet from the ground, my legs, feet, arms and hands are clinging to the trunk with every once of energy I had in me. I remained perched for what seemed like 15 minutes, but was perhaps only 1 minute, pondering how I would descend should I go any further, then... actually how will I descend if I don't go any further. Fear gripped me, as I gripped the tree. After calmly expressing to Katie that I felt I was in a somewhat serious predicament, she suggests I simply drop to the ground as it wasn't that high. That seemed logical except that there was no good place for my feet to land on solid ground... there were many roots intertwined below, and as mentioned in a previous post, broken bones were my friend as a child, and I am trying to avoid them as an adult. OK, so I found footing and was able to reach ground mostly unscathed. A few scratches and some quivering muscles all over my body were the only reminder of the event. Katie graciously did not make fun of me... not even once!

Today, almost three days later, I still have achy muscles. I am either too old or too out of shape to attempt this again (surely not both?!). Next time I see a similar tree, my thinking will be, "what a perfect tree for Katie to climb"!

Fun Times!

Jenny took Catherine and I to the zoo for a co-birthday celebration.

As you can see, good times were had by all:

Although the baby elephant was adorable, the lorakeet exhibit

made for the best pictures of the day.

Thank you Jenny for treating.

And thank you Catherine for sharing in the birthday fun.

You guys are great!