...and now for a brief intermission from the year in review

Yesterday was mom and Forrest's anniversary. They would have been married for 21 years. They actually got together about 8 years before that, but as my grandmother says, they lived in sin for a while.

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64 years old. It seems hard to believe she has been gone for more than 7 years now. I spent the better part of this year being pretty angry with mom about Forrest's death. I suppose it wasn't safe to place the anger on Forrest for a while. Generally on her birthday I make it out to the cemetary where I sprinkled some of her ashes on top of her father's grave. That didn't happen today. It was a beautiful day but I struggled to leave the house. Carrie finally enticed me with a walk in the park with her new baby (pup) and my boys. It was good to get out, but I feel a little foggy.

This is all compounded by the fact that tomorrow is Forrest's birthday. He would have turned 66. He hated his job, it was one thing that was making him miserable, but he was set to retire this month.

Growing up, we always celebrated their anniversary on the 30th and then both of their birthdays at midnight new year's eve. That was real popular formy brother and I as teenagers. After I moved away, it was always good to call at midnight, although usually Forrest had already gone to bed.

Last night I was very sad and weepy, today I have been sad at times and disconnected at other times. I'm not depressed mind you. It's good to know the difference and allow myself to feel the saddness.

Funny enough, Jan 2 is my biological father's birthday. Up until I was 22, I thought my brother and I shared the same father. Then enters Doug, he's actually my biological father, and Tom, who I thought was my biological father, is actually my brothers dad. Perhaps I'll blog about that sometime.

Doug and I are not very close, in fact this is the first year he didn't send a Christmas card. We had been sort of trying at a relationship, but this year I decided just because we share the same blood doesn't make him my father...so I sorta started to let go of that. Turns out it kind of pisses me off that he did too. I mean, it was his choice to do that the first time around, it should be my choice now, eh? Clearly I have no resentments there... and somehow, right now in my very irrational mind, I have decided that Forrest's death is now Doug's fault. I really don't think that... but for today and tomorrow, I don't want to be angry with Forrest, so I have to put it elsewhere. Doug's the lucky bastard that gets it this time.

I swear I'll post an upbeat blog soon.