2007 The Year in Reveiw- 3rd Quarter

July marked the beginning of my working with the finances and maintaining the website for NewCentury. I began to take on roles I never thought I would in a church. I became part of the vision team. Things were difficult as a copastor of NewCentury/co-owner of the retail part of Shekinah was leaving. Financial challenges became a focus for me both in my spiritual life as well as my personal life.

I began sort of dating the crazy lady and making myself crazy in knowing that it was not a healthy place to be, although it seemed a comfortable place to be. I was however, able to state my space and keep my boundaries. We did some hiking and photography of nature beginning on July 1st.

A NewCentury July 4th party was held at Pastor Jen's... Molly was in town and she and I walked there. I thought it ridiculous to walk the 1.5 miles there, but Molly was up for it, so we did it!

July 9th I co-hosted with Katie a Food For Thought dinner at Jon and JD's house! Tons of fun.

July 14th I woke up with fierce grief and had lunch with Catherine where I decided I was going to rescue a kitten. What better way to stuff grief than to focus on something else... so just after lunchI adopted my baby kitty Linney Grey (named after Forrest, his middle name was Lynn). The sweetest most independent and fierce 3 month old kitty in the world! She was integrated in the household within a week. Although it took my older cat Smudge a bit to get use to her.

Molly moved in upstairs July 23rd-ish I think. It was good to have a roommate... both financially and emotionally. Molly was a good one to have!

Unrelated to the roommate situation, I began to slip pretty hard into a depression and started to disconnected from others as July came to a close.

I tailspun into August. I had a movie watching night at my place August 4th... I enjoyed it, but was stressed at the same time... about 8 folks in my small space with my 4 pets made me realize I don't do well in crowds in small spaces!

I then totally lost my mind when I lost my glasses August 6th. I had them on my face in the morning before work... then they disappeared. I got a little hysterical, Pastor Jen came to pick me up and drive me to work where I thought my 2nd pair might be. I was there for about three hours when I found the 2nd pair, right there on my desk. I spent three weeks feeling crazy looking for my glasses everywhere, Molly even helped.

August 25th was the day I snapped. I met Catherine, Katie and Molly at Day's coffee to head to help Rachel move in from Atlanta. While at Day's I had this flashback of Feb. 9th; Mel and I were getting coffee there prior to meeting folks to head to Cincinnati. I was standing in line next to Mel when I got the message from Forrest that first made me aware of his struggle. The flashback brought back the "what if's". I had wanted to go see him, but his wife suggested towards the end of February that wasn't a good idea and in fact later he very angrily told me not to come, made me promise not to come visit. He was going to the doctor and getting a prescription and that should fix it. Two weeks later, I spoke with him on the phone and he sounded really good. That was 2 days before he killed himself.

I was an emotional wreck that day in August. It took all of half an hour tops with all of us moving things to the basement for Rachel. Then I headed out to crazy land. I got in my car and drove. I stumbled into a Catholic church during mass. Took communion (going to hell for sure now) and just drove some more. I was feeling crazier than I had ever been... grieving harder than I had to date. I remember thinking about driving into a tree. I was trying to find some peace, some comfort and just driving. I ended up in Loretto, KY at the Motherhouse for the Sisters of Loretto. There I sat by a lake taking pictures of the trees and in particular a feather that was caught in the leaves of the tree just above me. The feather was stuck, blowing in the wind, but unable to go anywhere, completely at the trees mercy. I had heard there were little hermitages somewhere at the Motherhouse. I wanted to stay there, but couldn't find anyone to give me any info. I sat there until I was exhausted... then headed home. I missed Rachels welcome home party that evening, because I was not in the space to socialize. Looking back now, I feel like that day was a bit of a turning point...I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere to go but up.

The next day, while trying to put myself back together, I was on the phone with Pastor Jen when I found my glasses... or at least part of them... there was a bent and twisted and broken earpiece laying in yard, obvioulsy chewed up by the lawn mower. I totally identified with my glasses at that point. Bent, twisted, broken and disconnected and a larger part of me simply missing. At least the mystery was solved.

Still seeing the crazy lady every couple of weeks or so, I found some distraction from my pain there. We hiked and took pictures, all the while I was keeping my boundaries but struggling to do so. A big part of me wanted to totally let go and start the most unhealthy relationship ever... another part of me held back. I found maintaining relationships with my friends a big struggle at this time. I wasn't happy with myself, and I was not happy in how a handful of my friendships were doing either. You know, the world was out to get me and I felt folks just weren't doing enough to help me out. Clearly, in retrospect... this was my shit, as I wallowed in my victim role for a bit.

August ended and September begans with the Labor Day weekend trip that wasn't... for me anyway. I struggled with my decision to go or not to go to Rachel's family farm in Knoxville... not finding easy practical answers... I opted out and decided to stay home and give in to the crazy lady relationship that wasn't.

Friday, August 31st, Catherine and I were to make chinese dumplings... decided we were both too overwrought to do so...instead we had pizza at Jacamo's on Goss ave. We had good pizza and she listened as I whined and wallowed about my struggle in my frienships. After dinner, I headed to the grocery and then home to find a card on my door from my friends letting me know that my new pair of frames, just like the ones that were bent and broken, were on their way. No names of who specifically, I will never know. What I do know is that it was the best surpirse anyone has ever given me. I was humbled and honored and ashamed of my judgment of where I thought others were and how I thought they should behave. It meant way more to me that just a gift of the frames. It spoke volumes to me from my friends of their love and support and their understanding of what losing my glasses began for me... my descent. This was the rope I needed to help pull me out of the depths of despair. I know that sounds sappy, but it is so true. I will never have the words to express my gratitude for this gift that gave to me on so many levels.

As for the crazy lady...fortunately, she found someone else and left me in the lurch! What a blessing for me!

Finally, I'll close the 3rd quarter of this year with a few words about my retreat in September. I blogged extensively about it so I won't cover all the points again. September 13th marked the 6 month anniversary of Forrest's death. I had tons of anxiety in doing so, but I went on a retreat into the woods. Pastor Jen had prepared a retreat survival kit for me including books, a beautiful supportive letter and a copy of the poem Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. Many other friends called and sent text messages while I was gone and Molly took care of my pets! I had great experiences and came to see that spirit is all around me. I see it better when in the woods, so that's where I have to go to be reminded.

There are a few more September highlights... but as the retreat marked another turning point... my full emergence from my depression, I will end here and begin a new chapter/4th qtr blog where I began a natural new chapter in the year.