Hope is a thing with feathers, That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all.-Emily Dickenson

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I found my glasses... sort of.

So, three weeks ago tomorrow I began a descent into depression that began with the losing of my glasses. Due to the fear of just such an occurrence, I purchased two pairs this past spring, but my black and green ones are my favorite. I suppose I should say 'were' rather than 'are', but I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

The morning started with me putting my favorite glasses on my face thinking I wish I knew right where my other pair were, as I would have preferred to wear them that particular morning. I continued to get ready for work and out the door I went. But, it was one of THOSE Monday mornings where things just weren't going right. I had to go back inside my house three times before I had all that I needed to head to work. I was a little rattled, but out I set down the alley pedaling my bike to work. That's when I noticed it, I didn't have my glasses on my face, so back into the house I went. I looked everywhere and couldn't find them or my second pair. Into a frantic and out of control breakdown went I. With a bit of hope of the slight possibility that my second pair of glasses was at work, I called a handful of folks and finally secure a ride to work from my dear friend Jen. Delicious meltdown mode is I believe how she described my hysteria.

I arrived at work and found no glasses, but thought I would just force myself to make it through the day without them. I can see without them, it is uncomfortable and things in the distance are blurry, but I can survive if need be. After working for about three hours, I moved a folder on my desk, and there was my second pair of glasses! Feeling a little crazy, but at least now having restored my sight, I made it through the day and came home to turn the house upside down in search of my black and green glasses!

No where to be found, I decided that this was symbolic for something in my life. You know, like I lack clarity, or vision, or I am searching for something I can't see... or the search was symbolic for perhaps my search for my mind which I feel like I have lost entirely. I had begun to think that if only I could find my glasses, things would start to fall back into place and perhaps I could pull myself out of this depression I seem stuck in.

Today, three weeks later, I found my glasses. Or part of them anyway. I found one bent, twisted and badly cut earpiece. The lawn was mowed yesterday, as apparently were my glasses.

I now see the entire experience as more symbolic of how I have been feeling. Lost and removed from my source, ever searching for clarity that so often seems to be lacking for me, and now, disjointed, twisted, bent and cut deeply... and disconnected from and simply lacking the bigger part of the whole.

At least I now know they didn't really
just dematerialize right from my face.