Departure- Retreat Part 3

On my way out, I stopped one last time at Mary's Lake; to soak in the sunshine and crisp autumn breeze, to search perhaps again for the Great Horned Owl protecting her surrounding Forrest, or to catch another glimpse of the Fishing Green Heron.

As I walk away towards my car that will take me back to reality, I feel saddened to leave Mary's Lake and Cedars of Peace. As I feel the sorrow and pangs in my heart, I believe that I will leave a piece of me here. As those thoughts and feelings settle in my mind and heart, I also realize that I will be taking a piece with me. A piece of the land and the trees, the butterflies and frogs, the cleansing breeze and the sunshine, the dragonflies, deer, owls and herons, and the Forrest surrounding the lake. It is now as it has always been, a part of me.

As I continue walking away, it brings me joy to think of my sharing the heron theme of this year. I will share the heron, the owl and the Forrest, with all those I know. Which is to say, that I will share the love, the peace, the wonder and the hope that I have found in this moment.

Can't see the Forrest for the trees? Retreat Part 2

I wander around deep in the woods, seeing beauty all around. Feeling connected to nature and God- and feeling grounded and happy- seeing owls in the middle of the day, butterflies landing on my leg and shoulder, watching a green heron fish in the lake for hours, then taunt me with a nearby visit.

Feeling at one with all becomes a visual thought while watching my shadow move across the landscape and become part of the shadows of the trees. Watching the shadows merge, I have never doubted less the one-ness of all things, all beings.

Even still, frustration turns in me, as I still can't seem to find Forrest's presence. It does eventually occur to me that I may be a bit stubborn (OK, so it's not a new thought). Am I looking too hard- beyond all the magic that is happening all around me? Maybe he is here- in the Forrest surrounding the lake, near the heron, maybe he is the heron- Forrest was quite the fisherman in his day. I will try today to not look so hard for answers and signs, and believe that I did see the Forrest- and the trees- and I will enjoy the peace that brings.

Retreat

I just spent a 48 hour retreat alone in a cabin at Cedars of Peace at the Sisters of Loretto in Nerinx, KY.
Thank God for cell phones and friends that text and leave messages, allowing my solitude to not feel like isolation.
Here's a few things I discovered while gone:

• I stayed in wonder, yet hope was visible just outside my door. Seriously, "Wonder" was the name of my cabin and was nestled just behind "Hope"; which of course meant to me that hope is just ahead.
• I am not a country girl. As I wandered down the gravel road, I kept noticing corn cobs strewn about. I immediately thought how sweet it was for the sisters to feed the squirrels; as that's what we do in the city, buy dried corn on the cob to feed the squirrels. I had already marvelled at the massive corn field just to my left that had already been cut down for the season. It did eventually occur to me that is where the corn cobs had come from.
• Ants can eat a butterfly alive. It was a sad sight for me. I tried to intervene, but it was already looking a little too late for the butterfly. I cried.
• I witnessed a pair of dragonflies playing by the lake, skimming the water for dinner. Then, suddenly one became trapped in some algae funk and was unable to fly away. You can maybe imagine the loud bzzzing that was occurring as the dragonfly flailed about trying to escape the vegetation's death grip. I was able to relieve my butterfly guilt and rescue the most beautiful green dragonfly I have ever seen as its playmate buzzed about frantically watching the entire episode. I also let the picture of the day escape me as a result. I was stalking a green heron in hopes of capturing a photo of his winged departure. He flew away while I was putting on my super hero cape.
• A troupe of deer make less noise in the woods than a single squirrel. I find that fascinating.
• Twin beds are indeed much smaller than my king size bed at home. I rolled over to grab my phone to receive a text... and rolled off the bed and onto the floor, where I stayed laughing wildly for a bit.
• The number one can represent loneliness or it can represent one-ness with all and connected-ness and therefore not alone at all.

I went to the woods seeking

solitude, comfort and peace

I entered the woods fearing

Isolation, pain and despair

I steeped in the woods soaking in

Wonder, hope and joy

I left the woods feeling

Love, peace and connection

I come away renewed, refreshed and resurrected

My mind, my spirit and my soul.

Thanks to All

Here's a picture of the card that was placed on my door Friday night.

Well, I am not sure who to send thank you cards to, and I can't afford a thank you billboard. Therefore, a thank you blog will have to suffice (on a side note, while typing the word "blog, I originally typed the word "clog". Those of you who may prefer a thank you clog, either in the dance form or the stopped up drain form, please contact me directly and I will see what we can arrange).

Seriously, not often am I speechless. This gift has touched me more than any of you can ever know. I have no words to describe my feelings. Thank you for the gift, and more importantly, I am ever thankful for the continued gift of friendship from you all.

I found my glasses... sort of.

So, three weeks ago tomorrow I began a descent into depression that began with the losing of my glasses. Due to the fear of just such an occurrence, I purchased two pairs this past spring, but my black and green ones are my favorite. I suppose I should say 'were' rather than 'are', but I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

The morning started with me putting my favorite glasses on my face thinking I wish I knew right where my other pair were, as I would have preferred to wear them that particular morning. I continued to get ready for work and out the door I went. But, it was one of THOSE Monday mornings where things just weren't going right. I had to go back inside my house three times before I had all that I needed to head to work. I was a little rattled, but out I set down the alley pedaling my bike to work. That's when I noticed it, I didn't have my glasses on my face, so back into the house I went. I looked everywhere and couldn't find them or my second pair. Into a frantic and out of control breakdown went I. With a bit of hope of the slight possibility that my second pair of glasses was at work, I called a handful of folks and finally secure a ride to work from my dear friend Jen. Delicious meltdown mode is I believe how she described my hysteria.

I arrived at work and found no glasses, but thought I would just force myself to make it through the day without them. I can see without them, it is uncomfortable and things in the distance are blurry, but I can survive if need be. After working for about three hours, I moved a folder on my desk, and there was my second pair of glasses! Feeling a little crazy, but at least now having restored my sight, I made it through the day and came home to turn the house upside down in search of my black and green glasses!

No where to be found, I decided that this was symbolic for something in my life. You know, like I lack clarity, or vision, or I am searching for something I can't see... or the search was symbolic for perhaps my search for my mind which I feel like I have lost entirely. I had begun to think that if only I could find my glasses, things would start to fall back into place and perhaps I could pull myself out of this depression I seem stuck in.

Today, three weeks later, I found my glasses. Or part of them anyway. I found one bent, twisted and badly cut earpiece. The lawn was mowed yesterday, as apparently were my glasses.

I now see the entire experience as more symbolic of how I have been feeling. Lost and removed from my source, ever searching for clarity that so often seems to be lacking for me, and now, disjointed, twisted, bent and cut deeply... and disconnected from and simply lacking the bigger part of the whole.

At least I now know they didn't really

just dematerialize right from my face.

Herons

It was spring of 2006 when I first noticed them. How excited I was to see a heron flying over downtown Louisville. Then another and another. They would appear alone, or in numbers of up to 5 that I have seen. It seems they have a flight path that crosses over 65 near St Catherine and Floyd St. I found out recently, that to the dismay of many people, they nest in or around Germantown, flying to and from the river, bringing fish carcasses and polluting neighborhood yards; I personally would be thrilled to have a heron in my yard, dead fish, stinky poop and all. In any case, back to the story at hand... I think they are night herons.

Here's a night heron photo

I took of a few years ago:

As most of you know, I have a bit of an obsession with birds. I feel the need to point most birds out to others as I see them (which can be really annoying to others on road trips).

Last year, I spent most of my time, energy, love, friendship and frustration fixated on one other person. Every time I saw one of these herons, I pointed it out. As we spoke on the phone many times throughout the day, we would be in the middle of a conversation, and I would briefly interrupt to say, "oh, there goes another heron". And in another few minutes, "there's 2 more", and so on it went. It got to the point that she requested I merely keep a tally of all the birds I saw and report it to her once a day.

This year, I am happy to say that I don't talk to any one person on the phone 15 times a day and I am not burdening one person with my heron speak. We could spend lots of time analyzing the seemingly lack of compassion in this other individual, but this is my side of this story, and besides I have done that plenty!

The point I wish to make is that I feel like I am tons healthier this year. I haven't and don't put all my eggs in one basket. I share my stories and my life with many people. I don't look to one person to meet all of my needs, nor do I try to meet all of one person's needs. I think this makes for one much more emotionally healthy Kelly and one who has great gratitude for all of those with whom I am sharing the herons in 2007.

What if...

Today I was introduced to my first case of the "what ifs". It knocked the wind out of me for quite some time, and is likely not gone yet. Words of wisdom from a wise friend...

"...there are no what ifs, there is only what is"

and something to the effect of...

"Kelly, you ain't that big and bad that you could have controlled, prevented or changed this"

She's right, of course. I suppose this is just part of my process... I was a little surprised by the "what ifs". They definitely sneaked up on me. Three months ago, I was angry when it was suggested that any one could have done any thing differently to have achieved another outcome. Everyone did the best they could, right? RIGHT?

Back to the simple point of it... it just simply is... that's all.

It is.

Random Peacock

So there was this peacock walking up Grinstead today. He walked on the side of the road, I swear he stopped to look before crossing Bardstown Road, actually at the crosswalk. It was obvious that all the nearby cars were aware of the bird, so traffic was stopped and all were safe.

Very thankful am I for my new camera phone!

Here he is right behind the bus stop on Grinstead and Bardstown Road:

Apparently, he decided not to take the bus today

and instead walked through Wendy's parking lot:

He continued on, heading down the alley behind Pita Delight's. I was obviously stalking him at this point. He was approaching Baxter avenue and I was certain that Mr. Peacock wasn't going to take a right to cross at the crosswalk at Bardstown and Grinstead.

I slammed the car in park, jumped out and ran down the alley, arriving just in the nick of time to run out into the middle of the road to stop traffic so Mr. Peacock could cross safely.


Here he is on some unknown mission- likey headed to the cemetary; although not Cave Hill, which is where he came from:

Feeling my duty was complete, I headed home to blog about the event. An after thought... should I actually have been run over by one of the cars that I stopped, know that I would have died happy, as long as the bird was able to cross safely.

The First Annual Father's Day Hike/Picnic at Bernheim

Carol brought her father's ties to give to all of us.

It was a hard day for me; in fact it was a hard weekend for me.

However, this day was filled with moments of laughter and fun,

tenderness and comfort, good food and wonderful friends,

ritual and spirit, support and love for all of us,

trees and vultures, and sharing and tears.

Thanks to all who came and shared and loved.

So, the thing about grief...

is that it can come up and bite you in the ass when you have been ignoring it for too long.

I once watched this hawk do an amazing thing. A storm came up quickly, the winds became abruptly strong and the sky opened up and rain poured heavily. I watched this hawk fly through the storm for a bit and land on this large branch. It had to really fight to keep its perch. It hung in there for some time, struggling all the while. Then it flew to another branch, one I thought was less sturdy. What happened surprised me. The hawk rode the branch as it moved with the winds. She didn't struggle much, other than latching on with a good tight grip. The storm ended as quickly as it had appeared and the hawk flew away, seemingly not any worse for the wear.

Now that was January 3, 2006. I reflect on this often and sometimes I find a new lesson therein. This is what I thought of today:

• One should not fly through the storm as if it doesn't exist. Instead, it's a good idea to recognize, honor and respect the storm.
• One should not rely on the seemingly most sturdy branch around. Just because your foundation seems strong, clinging to it might mean you have to fight extra hard to weather the storm.
• Finding a branch that gives seems to be the best way to endure a storm. Find a foundation that allows some flexibility and gives a little; dig your claws in and ride it through to the end. Knowing there will likely be another wave of that strong band of storms coming from the west... and there's nothing one can do to prevent it; just prepare to ride it out.

I'm off to get my yellow slicker, some boots, some goggles so I can better see through the storm, and maybe a life jacket to hold me afloat should the branch fall and I drown in my own tears.

by the way, happy father's day!

The Tent

Here's a photographic journey of the reassembly of my tent after it was mistakenly disassembled rather than simply folded.

First attempt; it might work as a Tepee?

53rd Attempt and two hours later;

after help from 2 nice neighbor guys.
Attempts 2-52 were not photographed because of severe frustration,
blood, sweat, and tears that nearly drove the photographer insane.

Rainfly assembled correctly!

Me; exasperated, yet thrilled that
the task was accomplished!

random poem of unknown origin

How magical and wondrous you once were
An enchanted prisoner became the heart
Like so many before

It grew twisted and bent and skewed

Need and want became one in the mind
Needing communion with your heart
Wanting a drop of love in return
All joy was held within your hands

Divine Providence like thunder cracked your façade
Allowing in a glimmer of light and hope and truth
And lightening struck with inexpressible force and vengeance
And shattered the spell that was

With gratitude for the experience
And compassion for your emptiness
This heart grew wings
And learns to fly free

Multiple Mottoed

So, mottoed is actually a word, I looked it up. However, when I say that I am multiple mottoed in '07, it sounds like I say multiple mottled, which I think describes me as well... but I digress.

Another motto I claim for this year:

• I am Sharin' the Herons in '07

I will try to follow up eventually with an explanation of that one. Meanwhile, if you can't wait that long, call me, I'll explain.

What's your motto for 2007?

As mentioned in a previous post, 2007 was originally suppose to be The Year of Beer for me. However, due to a life altering decision made by another, in March, I altered it to be The Year of Bourbon. I was also originally looking forward to participating in the Casual Dating '07 movement, but that doesn't feel right anymore either. I feel now as if I need to actually make a plan to do things in my life rather than merely saying I should do these things; therefore my new motto is Makin' it Happen in '07!

• I am Makin' it Happen in '07!
• Jen is In It To Win It in '07!
• Erick is Napping on the Couch in '07!
• Carol is Raising the Bar-n in '07!

What are you doing in '07?

• Rachel is Casual Dating in '07
• Kate says You Ain't That Big 'N Bad in '07

My Girls

In the past three weeks, I have had my breasts fondled by more women than I can count.

Frankly speaking however, the left is feeling slightly neglected. Should anyone feel the call to step up and handle the situation to remedy this blatant display of favoritism, please contact me.

In all seriousness, I am relieved to report that

both my girls are happy and as healthy as they can be!

Lake Eden Arts Festival

If you have never been to LEAF in Black Mountain, NC (just outside of Asheville), I highly recommend going at least once.

This was the 7th time I had been to LEAF, but the first time I had camped. Here's one view from our tent. This is absolutely no representation of the sea of tents among us. Although we were camping on top of each other, everyone at LEAF always seems to be wonderfully tolerant, liberal and like minded folk, and therefore it's not at all like camping, oh say at Deam lake, amongst drunk obnoxious folks; not to say that many of these folks were not drunk, just not obnoxious or angry.

Things I learned while camping this weekend:

• That extra pole that came with my tent, the tent I have owned and used many times in the past 7 years or so, is not really an extra pole, and should not be left at home. It really goes to the rain fly that helps keep us dry in case of rain... the rain fly doesn't do as good of a job without this pole; as learned Friday night while Molly and I slept on a raft (air mattress) in a puddle, and Rachel made due with a much smaller floatation device, also known as a ground pad.
• It's a good idea to waterproof a tent; thanks Rachel, I'll work on that for future camping experiences.
• Although it is not necessary to bring everything but the kitchen sink when camping, I feel so much better knowing that I have four flashlights, two pocket knives, a kitchen knife with a built in cheese slicer, a roll of paper towels (although I didn't use even one) a roll of (soon soggy) toilet paper, a big box of matches (although we were not allowed to build a fire), and numerous other miscellaneous items. I am nothing if not (over) prepared.
• Requesting a candle from a trip to town isn't as easy a task as it seems (a guest blog entry regarding this story would certainly be welcomed here).
• Text messaging is a wonderful thing while roaming around a huge hippie festival.
• I prefer to never go camping without Molly, as she rolled up all sleeping bags and the air mattress and pretty much broke down camp with no assistance, while Rachel and I were off waltzing, leaving only the tent to come down later.
• I may never be able to put my tent up again, but the company and the weekend were well worth it!
• I somehow acquired the leftover wisconsin white cheese (sorry, but thank you) and found that when bananas are stored in the cooler everything absorbs their flavor, as discovered as I write this entry while eating a banana flavored grilled cheese sandwhich.
• Another visit to NC is necessary soon, as I didn't get much quality time with Bryony. :(
• Molly and Rachel are two of the finest folks I know, good people indeed. Warm, welcoming, loving, accepting, appreciative, responsive, nurturing, wise, supportive, amazing listeners, helpful, hopeful, inspiring, and beautiful and wonderful in so so many ways.

• I am lucky to have such beautiful and wonderful friends; chances are, if you are pictured here, or are even simply reading this, I have a crush on you; like the dog I must have been in a previous life, it's puppy love indeed. Pat me on the head and scratch me behind the ear and I'll love you forever. Fact is I love everyone who has been so supportive and nurturing to me lately. It is so appreciated and needed... thanks!

Things I Learned Derby Weekend at Camp Mel's

Molly and Rachel

Tiff: Getting Derbied

Mel and Kel

Rachel and Catherine

Rachel, Mel, Carol, Tiffany, Molly and me

• Although it is possible to make a conscious decision to not let someone else steal your joy, it's not always effective, or the wisest of choices
• Apparently, parties have to last 65 hours at Mel's
• When the mattress gets dragged out into her living room, Melanie's house officially becomes Camp Mel's
• Camp Mel's is the place to be for Derby
• Some random folks got "partied" and Tiff Reckoning got "Derbied"
• My new favorite phrase is "Mel, just a minute ago, I got Drrruh-uhnk"!
• Hotlanta took her mom's fashion advice from the previous visit seriously; gotta love Cathy for her wisdom
• Having never been exposed to homemade ice-cream, I have now had 3 fabulous experiences; homemade by two different beautiful women... all within the past three weeks! Life IS good!
• I still make pretty darn good guacamole
• Boston makes the best mint juleps ever, tailored especially for every one's specific needs
• Twig and Leaf doesn't do grits well... but there's an award winning recipe that carol could sell them
• Thanks to a dance lesson, some cleavage, and a dance with one who can waltz like none other, I found my dancing feet again, they had been on hiatus for a bit
• I will never be able to eat a mango alone... it has to be a shared fruit as someone else has to cut them for me
• Tiffany wields a mango cutting knife like none other
• Tiff and I are partnered in life in the following areas: music sharing, mango eating, clove smoking, and crop sharing
• Knox was sorely missed this time 'round

There is nothing better in the world than a house full of women talking, laughing, loving, breathing, cooking, crying, drinking, writing, kissing, thinking, dreaming.

This is the way, it's the way that we love... and it should be the way that we live,

ALL THE TIME!

Thanks once again Mel, your hospitality is as always fabulous, and you and your friends are wonderful. I am blessed to be a part of all the acceptance, the love and the fun!

Cave Hill Cemetary (Part Two); Meet Kitka

The mini marathon was the best day to visit Cave Hill. All the entrances were blocked due to the race, therefore Katie and I parked a couple of blocks away and walked in. It was very peaceful and we saw no other vistors until we met Kitka.

This is Kitka.

She lives in the cemetary, using a barn as her shelter and home. She is free to roam wherever she wants, and is owned by no one.

This lovely lady is one half of the couple that comes daily to take care of Kitka. They feed her, brush her, love her, and take her to the vet as necessary.

The woman's husband told us about Kitka. He was careful to make sure he spelled her name for Katie and me.

He told us that they have been caring for her for several years on a daily basis. At one point another couple took Kitka with them so she'd have a better life in their home. She was returned to the cemetary soon thereafter, apparently happier when free.

I was inspired by this couple's love and devotion to Kitka, and the fact that they have no need to own her. How sweet it is to let her live her life as she seems to prefer. I was also inspired by Kitka's happiness in living alone and her willingness to accept the love and tenderness from her ever faithful chosen family.

This was definitely an unexpected bonus to our visit, and left us with smiles on our faces.

Me with Katie,

One member of my ever faithful chosen family

Cave Hill Cemetary (Part One)

While on a stroll through this beautiful cemetery, Katie and I see the perfect tree for climbing. Seriously, it was begging to be climbed. So Katie, ever so gracefully, ascends the tree. See below:

I decide that I must also ascend the tree. Fortunately, my camera was on the ground and no where near Katie's hands, because what ensued thereafter was not nearly as elegant of a display as I had envisioned. All of 3.5 feet from the ground, my legs, feet, arms and hands are clinging to the trunk with every once of energy I had in me. I remained perched for what seemed like 15 minutes, but was perhaps only 1 minute, pondering how I would descend should I go any further, then... actually how will I descend if I don't go any further. Fear gripped me, as I gripped the tree. After calmly expressing to Katie that I felt I was in a somewhat serious predicament, she suggests I simply drop to the ground as it wasn't that high. That seemed logical except that there was no good place for my feet to land on solid ground... there were many roots intertwined below, and as mentioned in a previous post, broken bones were my friend as a child, and I am trying to avoid them as an adult. OK, so I found footing and was able to reach ground mostly unscathed. A few scratches and some quivering muscles all over my body were the only reminder of the event. Katie graciously did not make fun of me... not even once!

Today, almost three days later, I still have achy muscles. I am either too old or too out of shape to attempt this again (surely not both?!). Next time I see a similar tree, my thinking will be, "what a perfect tree for Katie to climb"!

Fun Times!

Jenny took Catherine and I to the zoo for a co-birthday celebration.

As you can see, good times were had by all:

Although the baby elephant was adorable, the lorakeet exhibit

made for the best pictures of the day.

Thank you Jenny for treating.

And thank you Catherine for sharing in the birthday fun.

You guys are great!