K-Rad's Amnesty Day

Today I have decided to forgive anyone who has intentionally or unintentionally hurt me phyiscally or emotionally between 1971-2003. It covers every hurt that I can remember currently...repressed memories are ineligible for this blanket amnesty. Anyone who has intentionally or unintentionally hurt me from 01/01/2004 to the present may have to wait for the next amnesty period. The current waiting period is 34 years, however applications for amnesty are available on request, and each applicant will be reviewed on a case by case basis.

DISCLAIMER: I can change my mind at any given moment and resend my forgiveness at the mere drop of the hat, if deemed necessary by me and only me.

Not valid with any other coupons or offers.

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

While talking with some friends the other day, I was whinning about some poor choices I feel my mother made while I was growing up, and the fact that now that she has moved on from this world, I don't even get to fuss at her about how disfunctional those choices have made me, and how different my life would have been had she chose differently. One of my friends asked me how my life would be different. That simple question has made me re-think my anger, resentment and judgment of my mother's choices. I am a dependable, independent, individual with a free spirit and a lack of tolerance for violence of any kind, with a deep compassionate understanding and empathy for those less fortunate than I, and as the very same friend pointed out to me that same evening, quick to become indignant when I feel an injustice has occured. I like all that about me. Those are qualities I might not have, had my mother made different choices. So, a great big thank you goes out to my friend, my mom, and also to Stuart Smiley.

OCD or ADD?

Just today, the reason for my often chaotic life has become clear. I have known for some time that I have a least a mild case of Attention Deficit Disorder. Someone sent me a funny email a few years back that tells the story of a woman who begins a project in the morining, only to be distracted by another project, then that is distracted by another immediate need, which is then distacted by another issue, and so on... until at the end of the day, she gets back to the original unfinished project, only to wonder why she's too exhausted to continue, because she feels she nothing was accomplished all day. I found that story describes me pretty well some days.
Now, consider this. I have come to realize that when I do sit down to focus on a task at hand, I find I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I have been known to alphabetize, by category, my canned goods and also my CD's. I categorize all my hanging clothes by type, then style then color, shoes are categorized by color, then by style.
Today, I realized that my ADD and OCD are continually at odds with each other. When life is running smoothly, my OCD kicks in, and all is right with the world. However, during an emotionally rough period, or even just a very busy week or so, my OCD goes out the window, ADD kicks into high gear, and I am lucky if I can find the pair of shoes I am looking for... usually buried under any number of piles of clothes that have collected throughout the house. My ADD also keeps me from following through to keep things as organized as I like them. I'll set it up perfectly, where everything has a place, but things never seem to find their way back to their proper home. I think perhaps it has to do with that whole discipline thing I seem to lack.

I think will try to make a concerted effort to put some discipline and structure in my life.

Check back with me to see if I follow through with that!

Happy Anniversary

It was a year ago today since we lost the election. One down, three more to go. Things are looking rather bleak... do you think we can survive three more years of Bush??

Let's all send out lots of love and light, and hope for better things to come.

I'm off to have a beer.

New Job

I am working downtown now. After three weeks at my new job, here are some things I have learned:

• There are nearby places with some fairly decent food choices.
• Considering walking time of 7 minutes from the garage 4 blocks away, it takes the same amount of time to get to work now as it did to get to my previous job. The mileage from home was previously 15, now 2.
• I have a window desk, a nice view of the traffic on 2nd and Chestnut.
• I find my regular habit of sleeping in my car during lunch rather toxic, being parked in a garage and all.
• I haven't seen a hawk or a vulture yet, lots of pigeons; although none have flown into the window!
• Overtime might be permissable here, maybe even a necessity (that's financially a good thing, in my opinion).
• I still have no friggin clue as to how to do my job; ok, maybe an inkling of a clue.
• I found a Starbuck's within walking distance.
• 'Walking distance' has increased dramatically for me. I define walking distance as 'slightly farther than where I parked my car'... much further now than previously.
• I survived my first walk from the garage in the rain. Not too bad, but it wasn't a down-pour.
• There's no Q-Doba anywhere nearby.
• This morning I found my bank within 'walking distance'.
• The folks I work with seem very nice and are starting to warm up to me. They seem like a fun bunch.
• I like getting to work at 8:30 rather than 7am. It means I can stay up past 9pm!
• I don't like leaving work at 5pm rather than 4, it seems half the evening is gone already; you wouldn't think an hour could make such a difference.
• All but one employee here in the department has at least 1 dog. In fact, my boss isn't here today because her dog is sick. I may fit in yet!

To the Chocolate Lover's Friend; You know who you are!

I have recently heard it said that there is something about dark chocolate, that after one bite, the taste left in your mouth leaves you wanting more. Is it possible to eat only half of any kind of chocolate bar? Who won the bet? I have to know!

School expels girl for having gay parents

Unbelievable! You'd think by their own teaching they would want to keep her there to witness to her! Praise the Lord God! Halleluiah! You know it's the sick that need the doctor, not the well!

Hypocritical Bastards!

Ice Cream

So, I have this thing about ice cream. Well, maybe I have several things about ice cream. First and foremost, it is the perfect food. It can be eaten at (or for) any meal, anytime, almost anywhere. Secondly, I think Sarah McLaughlin has some issues. I have never met anyone whose love was better than ice-cream. I don't even think it is a possiblity.
I prefer my ice cream a little on the soft side. It doesn't have to be the soft serve kind, in fact, that's my least favorite type of ice-cream... Of course I wouldn't ever turn it away. I like it to be just slightly melted, the perfect blend of frozen and creamy. I never buy ice cream at the grocery, because I'm afraid I'll eat it all in one sitting. Today, I have realized my fears are not without warrant. I did buy some ice cream to share with some friends after dinner last night. Although we did finish the derby pie that was accompanying the ice cream, we didn't finish the 1.75 quart container of vanilla bean ice cream. So, this evening, mere moments ago, I got a spoon and sat on the couch eating the ice cream directly from the carton. I quickly realized that I wasn't getting what I really wanted. I really wanted that soft slightly melted consistency. Instead of waiting for that perfect moment... I just kept eating. Only occasionally fulfilling my longing, by scooping around the edges of the carton, where by holding with my knees, it had melted perfectly. The only problem was that I was eating it too quickly for it to get to that desirable state. All the while, I knew this was happening. I even kept thinking to myself that I might actually eat less, if I were getting exactly what I wanted and needed... yes, ice cream is a need, not merely a want!
That lead me to thinking about my romantic relationships. Some very startling revelations hit me. 1) I like my women like I like my ice-cream... a little soft and not too cold. 2) I need to wait for the right person and the right time to be with them. 3) Apparently, I need to continue working out all that co-dependency crap, and getting what I need from myself and other areas of my life, and not continually gorging myself on unhealthy things that don't even make me happy! 4) If I ever find someone whose love is better than ice-cream... I might just give it up! And maybe I'll quit eating ice cream too!

My Inner-Self

I can't really decide if this is who I want to be, or if this is who I want to be with!

Either way, I sure do like her. I created her myself.

You too can create your own super hero, or super lover as the case may be.

Do it now, Bitch!

I am an Introvert

I could also be described as painfully shy in certain circumstances. This doesn’t mean that I am not social within my familiar surroundings. I get along quite well socially within my group of friends, as well as at work. In fact, at work, it is part of my job to greet people, make light conversation, set people at ease, and I feel I do that very well. However, outside of my comfort zones, I always say that I don’t really like people. That isn’t true really, but it is extremely difficult for me to approach someone I don’t know and make conversation with them. That having been said, I have found a way to do just that. It goes right along with my opinion that I like animals more than I do most people.

Yes, that’s right, I exploit my animals.

I am beginning a new job soon, what will be my icebreaker? Of course, it will be photos of my pets. No, I don’t carry them in my wallet. I do however have a frame or two at my desk. I don’t have children (not overwhelmingly fond of them), so I can’t exploit them! If I were a man, I suppose I’d be one of those guys who would borrow someone’s baby to meet women.

I went to a dog park this past weekend. This is where I realized the difference in my social ability. I spoke to every dog and many of their owners! I was amazed at the difference in my behavior. I thought to myself, maybe I like these people more because I think they are “dog people”? Although that’s still a possibility, I discovered that without my dogs, I no longer have this super power of extrovertedness! Upon leaving the park I headed directly to the nearest pet store to stock up on pet food, goodies and treats. Once there, I notice a familiar face. There shopping right next to me was another dog owner from the park. Although it is permissible to bring your dogs into this store, that is really not an option for me as I have two unruly dogs (friendly, but a little excitable to say the least), subject for a future blog I am sure. There I was, unequipped with my newly discovered super power. I tried unsuccessfully to make eye contact with the woman. We even ended up separated by only one other customer in the check out line, yet no communication ever came about. I had specifically spoken with this woman and the fellow accompanying her at the park, yet couldn’t even acknowledge that we had had this previous encounter a mere 15 minutes prior. While walking to my car, I spotted this fellow and the dogs in nearby car. No acknowledgement then either. I reached my car, shoved my dogs from the driver's seat, started the car, and began my departure from the parking lot. As I drove by I waved happily at the fellow and the dogs. It leaves me to wonder why I have such bizarre social tendencies.

You Gotta Love Bill Maher

On Real Time with Bill Maher the other night:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare,the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know.There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the salestax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the otherside.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'"

Nesting

Ok... Finally, a handful of before and after photos of my new pad.

Big Junk Pick-Up

Now, living in a new part of town, I have to adjust to a new schedule to what is commonly referred to here as big junk pick-up. My big junk collection is scheduled this for this weekend. You can put all your useless crap out on the curb, and whatever is left after being scavenged by people scouring the neighborhood for great finds, gets hauled away to some great landfill to continue to overflow our precious space here on earth. It's a great idea to rid yourself of misc garbage like old tires, scraps of wood left from some odd project, paint cans, old-dog-smelly-torn-up couches, etc. It bothers me when people throw functional things into the mix, like an old tv that works fine, but was replaced with a mega-super-movie theatre sized screen tv. Or old christmas decorations, or clothes. I think it bothers me because it shows how lazy some folks are. Take your funtional stuff to the Salvation Army or to Goodwill... don't throw it away. I hate it when I look in the garbage can outside and find a piece of tupperware in there because someone was too lazy to wash it after a child had put a bug in it. For Pete's sake, if you don't want to wash it, fine. But don't throw it away. Donate it to someone who isn't afraid to use it. What about the blinds that the dog broke a piece of? You know, those can be fixed? Yes it takes a little time and patience, but do you really have to go buy a whole new set? And ok, if you do... fine, but again I say, donate it to someone who may use it, instead of throwing it away. There's something about are "disposable" society that has even seeped into our relationships. All too often do we as a society "dispose" of our friends, our partners, our loved ones. It takes too much time and effort to fix the issues at hand, so many just throw the relationship away. It goes out on the curb for big junk pick up. And then more often than not, the thrown out gets picked up by some scavenger feeding on the vulnerable sad sacks. Why can't we all just get along? Why can't we fix our problems? Why can't we even acknowledge that we have problems until it's too late to fix them? Why do we just throw things away?

Yes, I'd love some cheese with my whine, thank you.

More comparisons

As mentioned in a previous post, for me, searching for a new home is not at all unlike searching for a new mate. However, I have discovered that preparing the new place is extremely unlike how I should prepare for a relationship.

For example…

• I didn’t like the colors of the wall, so I am painting them. I can’t change a person’s color, attitude or personality with a coat of paint; so I should make sure that I like them the way they are; I shouldn’t expect that I can change them, or that they will change on their own.
• I didn’t like the stinky carpet in the living room, so I ripped it up to discover hardwood floors. There may be many gems under the surface of someone I choose to date, but it is not MY job to rip off their exterior to discover it. I can be there to offer love, compassion and understanding, but I can’t do the work! So I should make sure I can accept/tolerate/not resent their issues, and by the way make sure they can do the same for me and my issues.
• I have a list of items that need to be fixed. Some broken/cracked windows, some places on the walls to be patched. A banister to be replaced. In finding someone to date, they will have places that need to be patched, but it is not my job to fill these voids in their life. The “you complete me” theory is fine and romantic theoretically, but it’s a crock of shit! You should complement each other…not complete. I feel that statement warrants repeating: You should complement each other… not complete each other!
  
  Basically I guess I don’t mind getting one of those “fixer-uppers” for a home; but not for a partner! Ok, I don't so much mind getting a fixer-upper; but I'm not doin' the work! I got my own fixin' uppin' to do! There's enough work here for my lifetime.
  
  
  That’s all for now. I’ll post before and after pictures of the new place soon.

Obligatory Blog

It has been brought to my attention that I have been neglecting my blog site. Indeed, life has become a little more challenging to manage lately. Here is my obligatory blog:

The thing about looking for a place to live is that it is not entirely unlike looking for a mate. I have discovered that there are some similarities in the amenities I need in a home, and those I should consider when choosing a mate.

Disclaimer: I am looking for a new home; I am not looking for a new mate.

1. I need a home with a fenced in yard to keep my dog's crap in, and strangers crap out; I need a mate with boundaries, to keep their independence and happiness in, and to keep other's and my shit out.
2. I need a home that is conveniently located, near both my place of employment and my social network; I need a mate who is convenient in both location and emotional accessibility.
3. I need a home that has enough space for me and my dogs; I need a mate who has enough room for me and my dogs in their life.
4. And finally, I need a home that won't break me financially; I need a mate who won't break me emotionally or financially.

What kind of girl are you? Take the quiz and see.

Although I'm really not in to labels... I found this sort of fun and interesting. I am a progressive girl. I thought it was a pretty good description of me. I didn't like some of the questions, and I'm not promoting the book, as I really didn't even look at it. I followed a link that led me to a link, that led me to a link, that eventually led me here.

Dub-ya says...

Stem cell research holds the promise of helping millions with diabetes, Alzheimer's Disease and other illnesses, yet Bush says "The use of federal dollars to destroy life is something I simply do not support". He doesn't support the use of federal dollars to destroy life... huh... who knew?

Over 1,650 American soldiers have been killed in Iraq. That is only American soldiers; we will probably never know the Iraqi death toll , including many innocent children .

"There's an alternative to the destruction of life," he said. "But the stem cell issue is really one of federal funding, that's the issue before us, and that is whether or not we use taxpayers' money to destroy life. ... I don't believe we should."

I guess he must be using his daddy's money for the war in Iraq... that explains it. At least now I understand that the taxes I pay, go only to worthy and just causes. I must have misunderstood previously. Glad that's all cleared up!

Regarding North Korea expanding its nuclear program, Bush said "If diplomacy is the wrong approach, I guess that means military. That's how I view it as either diplomacy or military. I am for the diplomacy approach." He also said "And for those who say we ought to be using our military to stop a problem, I would say that while all options are on the table, we've still got a ways to go to solve this diplomatically."

Do you think that means he learned a lesson in Iraq? Or is he just confused? Or am I??

On the human rights Guantanamo Bay report he says, "It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of the allegations by people who were held in detention, people who hate America."

Huh... go figure! You think those who were held
in detention without charges, brutally abused,
and subjected to sacrilegious acts (try flushing a bible down the toilet around some of the extremists over here) hate America? I guess those might be considered biased opinions.

My Obsession

As requested: Some Photos I Have Taken

My new and expensive obsession

I am beginning to think that my new digital camera should have come with a coin slot. I just keep putting more money into it. I thought that buying a digital camera would be more economical that the old film camera, in that I wouldn’t have to buy film, I wouldn’t pay for unwanted pictures…etc. However, it seems as if my OCD has completely taken over. I am in fact obsessed with my new camera!
When I bought the camera, I decided to get all the accessories I would ever need (how naïve of me), camera bag, extra battery, lens cleaning kit, extra memory card, mini tripod (worthless), and a USB card reader. I chose a 12x optical zoom camera because I wanted to take pictures of birds. Not knowing anything about zoom/magnification… that number 12 means nothing to me. Except that it seems to be one of, if not the most optical (not to be confused with digital) zooms on a digital camera. In terms that I understand… you know how you take a picture with a regular camera, and you seem so much further away from your subject than you were in reality? Well, in my opinion, the 12x zoom, brings it to about the distance you actually saw in reality. Which is fine… but still didn’t seem to suit my birding needs. So, I bought an attachment zoom lens along with the necessary parts to attach it to the camera. I don’t even remember the magnification number, because I don’t understand what it means really. I just knew it would bring my subject closer to me. And it did, but with horrible focusing results. I thought that maybe a better quality attachment lens might be a better answer. So, I order another one. Better magnification (again, don’t remember specs), better quality. In fact, now I can attach either of the extra lenses directly to the camera… but also, I can stack the two lenses for a combined magnification. That means I am even closer, but with very, very poor focusing ability. I discovered that a tripod would help; it’s very hard to hold the camera still with all the extra weight. I bought a tripod; I couldn’t buy a cheap tripod mind you, as I have a pricey, and now heavy camera. I also bought a tripod bag with a shoulder strap to carry it around. Ok… I am finally getting pictures that I want. But what about that tripod bag. It is kind of pointless for carrying it around, as I have to slightly disassemble the tripod to put it in the bag. So now I spot a bird, I wrench the tripod out of the bag, assemble it, put the camera on top of the tripod, turn it on… hey wait, where’d that little bugger go? At first, I tried just carrying it without the bag… aching arms and shoulders. Then I rigged an old luggage strap, to have a shoulder strap for it. I did get some good photos, along with multiple bruises and sore muscles from carting the thing around. Now, I have purchased a strap-on! It’s great (I haven’t field tested it yet). It’s kind of like a quiver for an archer to store his arrows in. To use it, I only have to unclip the belt, un-velcro two straps, and then the tripod is ready to go! Certainly, I am having fun with my new camera. But how much better life would be if I actually had a printed photograph now. Instead of a coin slot, maybe the camera should have a credit card reader built in.

Ps: I can add a real number 12 to 15 things about me: “I am an avid bird watcher and apparently becoming a (very amateur/wanna-be) bird photographer as well.”

I am in love with Maggie!

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Not only is actress Maggie Gyllenhall sexy... She's smart too!

" 9/11 was a terrible tragedy and of course it goes without saying that I grieve along with every American for everyone who suffered and everyone who died in the catastrophe. But for those of us who were spared, it was also an occasion to be brave enough to ask some serious questions about America's role in the world. Because it is always useful, as individuals or nations to ask how we may have knowingly or unknowingly contributed to this conflict. Not to have the courage to ask these questions of ourselves is to betray the victims of 9/11."

This surely puts Maggie on the (small) list of my most loved entertainers, right there next to the Dixie Chicks.

My first time...

I am not really sure how to begin “blogging”… but here goes. A friend of mine has this really cool blogging site http://www.dottcomments.blogspot.com/ that I have been lurking in on. Not sure if one can "lurk" on a blog site, but that’s what I feel I have been doing, in that I have never posted any comments. I just read and feel some connection to her through her posts. All of this mostly unbeknownst to her. As it stands, I enjoy her stories, and thought I might like to do the same some day. I have one major barrier to break however. I feel that perhaps I might be an ok writer, but have this unreasoned fear of writing. Not sure why that is, but thought that one way to explore both the fear and the interest is to just do it.

Now determining what to write about is yet another subject. I have heard it is not advisable to discuss work. Discussing relationship issues is probably not advisable either, at least if one wants to remain in discussed relationship. That leaves possible subjects such as politics, world events, food… I suppose I could always talk about me. As much as I like to talk about me, I seem to be questioning weather I would be an interesting enough subject to blog about. Which is a thought I now feel I should discuss, as of course I must be interesting, right? Right? A recent post from my friend’s blog lists 15 things about her.When I read that, I wondered if I could come up with 15 things about me?! As I seem to be currently in a low self esteem mood, I am concerned that it might be comprised mostly of fear and self-loathing. I think I might just start a list, and see where it goes. I am going to cheat, and follow the outlined theme from her list (hope she doesn't mind). Here goes…

1. I worked at Taco Bell for 8 years, starting in high school, managing for 7 years. Decided against college, as my “career” wouldn’t allow time for and/or supply the money for tuition.
   
2. My favorite color is blue. Green is a close second.
   
3. I don’t think I have a favorite band. My musical taste varies from alternative, to top 40’s, to country, to oldies. Can’t stand jazz, not fond of rap.
   
4. My newest hobby is in fact photography. Just bought a great new digital camera with 12X optical zoom, add on telephoto lenses, and a tripod. Don’t really know how to use it all yet. Interested in learning.
   
5. I currently wear earth shoes! Did you know they have come back… not a huge following though. I bought ‘em at Rainbow blossom. They look different than they did in the 70’s. The pair I own look like hiking boots.
   
6. I say I am a vegetarian, but I eat almost anything. I really just lack discipline. My therapist suggests that I am a “vegetarian” of the heart.
   
7. Ice cream is indeed the perfect food… do you mean there may be a difference of opinion on this?
   
8. I have recently started (again) college. Taking one class on line. Love the online factor! It helps me in that I seem to not want to go to class regularly, apparently I lack discipline- did I mention that already?
   
9. I got nothin’ on the fur coat comment, so I’ll ad lib (scary thought for me). I was kicked out of high school a month before graduation for skipping school. Something about discipline seems to be a pattern. I went back the following year, and did indeed graduate. Although I tell everyone that I graduated the year I was suppose to.
   
10. I never was a bartender, but I did make out with a straight woman in a straight bar once. I was slightly intoxicated... and I’m kinda diggin’ on the “trend of serving almost any cocktail in a martini glass and calling it "stupid-tini" or something.” I can now actually drink a “Martini”.
    
11. I registered as a republican and voted for Reagan. It was 1980 and I was 9 years old- it was a school election and the only time I have voted republican.
    
12. Got nothin’ on Ted Danson either, or anything similar.
    
13. I would like to have nitrous oxide when I have my teeth cleaned, have only had it once. It was for before I had my wisdom teeth removed. I did love it. -the nitrous oxide that is.
14. I never had an imaginary playmate as a child. It was only after I discovered that I was a lesbian that I had an imaginary “playmate”.
15. I took five years of German in high school. Never could speak it.

Ok, so technically I only came up with 14 things about me. Surprisingly however, the list doesn’t seem to be consumed with fear and self-loathing! Now off to see if I can figure out how to post this on an actual blog site. If you are reading this… I was successful!