Red Heron Currents

The Gathering

2008-03-29T22:05:00.002-04:00

I’ve been writing this blog in my head for two weeks now, but I have found there really aren’t enough words to convey all that I want to here. However, I feel it is important to try to write it down, both for myself and for those involved in my head-shaving gathering, as well as those who were unable to attend but were there in spirit. This is as close as I can come to verbally sharing my feelings of the experience.

My intent was to gather with those within my overlapping communities who have shared so much and loved and held me through this year, to honor and remember Forrest and to celebrate my survival of the past year.

The evening was an amazing, beautiful and powerful experience for me. Although nervous, I was prepared to have my head shaved. However, I was not at all prepared for the outpouring of love and compassion and blessings that I received. Even less was I prepared to understand how others seemed so touched by the experience. I often tend to feel indebted to others for how much they share with me and how important a role they play in my life. I have never felt that others might feel touched by aspects that I bring to the table. I am humbled by the comments I am still receiving about how the evening affected others.

As you can see from the slide show, my head received many blessings. To steal words from a dear friend; the idea that I don't even have words that can come close to describing the grateful ache in my heart says everything and nothing all at once. What I can say is that I am obviously, and now intentionally and directly very blessed.

As for an update on my head, I am currently maintaining the baldness. Three days after the first shaving, I found that I was in a panic that my hair seemed to be growing so quickly; I was not ready for it to grow back. I was able to wait 5 more days, then had it shaved again. I have since shaved it again. I find in cleansing and liberating in a way that I cannot really describe and a big part of me just isn’t ready to take the next step of replacing the visible sign of my grief. So, for now, I am keeping it shaved. I recommend that everyone shave their head at least once in their life.

When I think of this past year, I think of that Footprints poem where there were two sets of footprints in the sand except during the hardest times, there was only one set because that’s when “The Lord” was carrying her. For me, it’s quite different, I feel like maybe my footprints did disappear, but there were many, many footprints in the sand, from the many, many who have helped carry me through. I know it’s cheesy and sappy… but that is how I feel. That then makes me think of my Sharin’ The Herons theme of 2007 and reminds me how grateful I am that I was able to share the herons and that the weight was distributed amongst so many of you. Thank you to all who have shared and loved and carried me, I am grateful for and have more love than you can imagine for all of you.

Bald is Beautiful Part 2

2008-03-14T07:39:00.002-04:00

Before the shave:

After the shave:

Notice the wine; Forrest drove a red truck most of my childhood

My first look at the naked truth

Bald is Beautiful

2008-03-13T15:57:00.002-04:00

I just washed my hair for the last time. Well, not the last time ever, but the last time these particular ones on my head will be washed. This evening I will be shaving my head.

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of Forrest's death. I have realized that I have little control over much in this world, but how much hair I have, at this time, I have complete control over.

I will be having a gathering with many who have walked with me and sometimes carried me this past year. Three dear friends will be shearing away layers of grief (and hair) to make room for new growth in this next year.

So, while I made up my mind months ago to shave my head to honor this event in my life, I recently decided to participate in St. Balrick's fundraiser to help raise money for kids with cancer. If you'd like to donate to St Baldricks, check out my page with a great photo of me with my hair combed out- no curls so it's really big.

Whether you choose to donate or not, consider offering up a blessing for me and my naked and exposed grief, awaiting the new growth to begin.

ps I'll post pictures soon

...and now for a brief intermission from the year in review

2007-12-31T18:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was mom and Forrest's anniversary. They would have been married for 21 years. They actually got together about 8 years before that, but as my grandmother says, they lived in sin for a while.

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64 years old. It seems hard to believe she has been gone for more than 7 years now. I spent the better part of this year being pretty angry with mom about Forrest's death. I suppose it wasn't safe to place the anger on Forrest for a while. Generally on her birthday I make it out to the cemetary where I sprinkled some of her ashes on top of her father's grave. That didn't happen today. It was a beautiful day but I struggled to leave the house. Carrie finally enticed me with a walk in the park with her new baby (pup) and my boys. It was good to get out, but I feel a little foggy.

This is all compounded by the fact that tomorrow is Forrest's birthday. He would have turned 66. He hated his job, it was one thing that was making him miserable, but he was set to retire this month.

Growing up, we always celebrated their anniversary on the 30th and then both of their birthdays at midnight new year's eve. That was real popular formy brother and I as teenagers. After I moved away, it was always good to call at midnight, although usually Forrest had already gone to bed.

Last night I was very sad and weepy, today I have been sad at times and disconnected at other times. I'm not depressed mind you. It's good to know the difference and allow myself to feel the saddness.

Funny enough, Jan 2 is my biological father's birthday. Up until I was 22, I thought my brother and I shared the same father. Then enters Doug, he's actually my biological father, and Tom, who I thought was my biological father, is actually my brothers dad. Perhaps I'll blog about that sometime.

Doug and I are not very close, in fact this is the first year he didn't send a Christmas card. We had been sort of trying at a relationship, but this year I decided just because we share the same blood doesn't make him my father...so I sorta started to let go of that. Turns out it kind of pisses me off that he did too. I mean, it was his choice to do that the first time around, it should be my choice now, eh? Clearly I have no resentments there... and somehow, right now in my very irrational mind, I have decided that Forrest's death is now Doug's fault. I really don't think that... but for today and tomorrow, I don't want to be angry with Forrest, so I have to put it elsewhere. Doug's the lucky bastard that gets it this time.

I swear I'll post an upbeat blog soon.

2007 The Year in Reveiw- 3rd Quarter

2007-12-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

July marked the beginning of my working with the finances and maintaining the website for NewCentury. I began to take on roles I never thought I would in a church. I became part of the vision team. Things were difficult as a copastor of NewCentury/co-owner of the retail part of Shekinah was leaving. Financial challenges became a focus for me both in my spiritual life as well as my personal life.

I began sort of dating the crazy lady and making myself crazy in knowing that it was not a healthy place to be, although it seemed a comfortable place to be. I was however, able to state my space and keep my boundaries. We did some hiking and photography of nature beginning on July 1st.

A NewCentury July 4th party was held at Pastor Jen's... Molly was in town and she and I walked there. I thought it ridiculous to walk the 1.5 miles there, but Molly was up for it, so we did it!

July 9th I co-hosted with Katie a Food For Thought dinner at Jon and JD's house! Tons of fun.

July 14th I woke up with fierce grief and had lunch with Catherine where I decided I was going to rescue a kitten. What better way to stuff grief than to focus on something else... so just after lunchI adopted my baby kitty Linney Grey (named after Forrest, his middle name was Lynn). The sweetest most independent and fierce 3 month old kitty in the world! She was integrated in the household within a week. Although it took my older cat Smudge a bit to get use to her.

Molly moved in upstairs July 23rd-ish I think. It was good to have a roommate... both financially and emotionally. Molly was a good one to have!

Unrelated to the roommate situation, I began to slip pretty hard into a depression and started to disconnected from others as July came to a close.

I tailspun into August. I had a movie watching night at my place August 4th... I enjoyed it, but was stressed at the same time... about 8 folks in my small space with my 4 pets made me realize I don't do well in crowds in small spaces!

I then totally lost my mind when I lost my glasses August 6th. I had them on my face in the morning before work... then they disappeared. I got a little hysterical, Pastor Jen came to pick me up and drive me to work where I thought my 2nd pair might be. I was there for about three hours when I found the 2nd pair, right there on my desk. I spent three weeks feeling crazy looking for my glasses everywhere, Molly even helped.

August 25th was the day I snapped. I met Catherine, Katie and Molly at Day's coffee to head to help Rachel move in from Atlanta. While at Day's I had this flashback of Feb. 9th; Mel and I were getting coffee there prior to meeting folks to head to Cincinnati. I was standing in line next to Mel when I got the message from Forrest that first made me aware of his struggle. The flashback brought back the "what if's". I had wanted to go see him, but his wife suggested towards the end of February that wasn't a good idea and in fact later he very angrily told me not to come, made me promise not to come visit. He was going to the doctor and getting a prescription and that should fix it. Two weeks later, I spoke with him on the phone and he sounded really good. That was 2 days before he killed himself.

I was an emotional wreck that day in August. It took all of half an hour tops with all of us moving things to the basement for Rachel. Then I headed out to crazy land. I got in my car and drove. I stumbled into a Catholic church during mass. Took communion (going to hell for sure now) and just drove some more. I was feeling crazier than I had ever been... grieving harder than I had to date. I remember thinking about driving into a tree. I was trying to find some peace, some comfort and just driving. I ended up in Loretto, KY at the Motherhouse for the Sisters of Loretto. There I sat by a lake taking pictures of the trees and in particular a feather that was caught in the leaves of the tree just above me. The feather was stuck, blowing in the wind, but unable to go anywhere, completely at the trees mercy. I had heard there were little hermitages somewhere at the Motherhouse. I wanted to stay there, but couldn't find anyone to give me any info. I sat there until I was exhausted... then headed home. I missed Rachels welcome home party that evening, because I was not in the space to socialize. Looking back now, I feel like that day was a bit of a turning point...I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere to go but up.

The next day, while trying to put myself back together, I was on the phone with Pastor Jen when I found my glasses... or at least part of them... there was a bent and twisted and broken earpiece laying in yard, obvioulsy chewed up by the lawn mower. I totally identified with my glasses at that point. Bent, twisted, broken and disconnected and a larger part of me simply missing. At least the mystery was solved.

Still seeing the crazy lady every couple of weeks or so, I found some distraction from my pain there. We hiked and took pictures, all the while I was keeping my boundaries but struggling to do so. A big part of me wanted to totally let go and start the most unhealthy relationship ever... another part of me held back. I found maintaining relationships with my friends a big struggle at this time. I wasn't happy with myself, and I was not happy in how a handful of my friendships were doing either. You know, the world was out to get me and I felt folks just weren't doing enough to help me out. Clearly, in retrospect... this was my shit, as I wallowed in my victim role for a bit.

August ended and September begans with the Labor Day weekend trip that wasn't... for me anyway. I struggled with my decision to go or not to go to Rachel's family farm in Knoxville... not finding easy practical answers... I opted out and decided to stay home and give in to the crazy lady relationship that wasn't.

Friday, August 31st, Catherine and I were to make chinese dumplings... decided we were both too overwrought to do so...instead we had pizza at Jacamo's on Goss ave. We had good pizza and she listened as I whined and wallowed about my struggle in my frienships. After dinner, I headed to the grocery and then home to find a card on my door from my friends letting me know that my new pair of frames, just like the ones that were bent and broken, were on their way. No names of who specifically, I will never know. What I do know is that it was the best surpirse anyone has ever given me. I was humbled and honored and ashamed of my judgment of where I thought others were and how I thought they should behave. It meant way more to me that just a gift of the frames. It spoke volumes to me from my friends of their love and support and their understanding of what losing my glasses began for me... my descent. This was the rope I needed to help pull me out of the depths of despair. I know that sounds sappy, but it is so true. I will never have the words to express my gratitude for this gift that gave to me on so many levels.

As for the crazy lady...fortunately, she found someone else and left me in the lurch! What a blessing for me!

Finally, I'll close the 3rd quarter of this year with a few words about my retreat in September. I blogged extensively about it so I won't cover all the points again. September 13th marked the 6 month anniversary of Forrest's death. I had tons of anxiety in doing so, but I went on a retreat into the woods. Pastor Jen had prepared a retreat survival kit for me including books, a beautiful supportive letter and a copy of the poem Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. Many other friends called and sent text messages while I was gone and Molly took care of my pets! I had great experiences and came to see that spirit is all around me. I see it better when in the woods, so that's where I have to go to be reminded.

There are a few more September highlights... but as the retreat marked another turning point... my full emergence from my depression, I will end here and begin a new chapter/4th qtr blog where I began a natural new chapter in the year.

2007 The Year in Review-2nd Quarter

2007-12-30T18:08:00.000-05:00

April began with a FREEZING Easter weekend April 4-6th. I had declared 2007 the year of beer earlier, but decided in light of recent events, that bourbon was a more suitable elixer, so April is a bit of a blur. I remember Meeting Molly, another Rachel and yet another Jen- and attending an Easter camp out (for only a few hours as it was way too cold to camp) in a less than aware state of mind. That was the first time I experienced a weekend at Camp Mel's, where I was able to soak up a lot of needed love, support and nurturing.

April 13th and 14th I sang in my first VOICES concert.

April 21st was my birthday and Thunder Over Louisville. I had dinner with Robin Dianna Suzanne and Catherine... rode bikes with Catherine downtown for the craziness that is "Thunder" and went to a PJ party at Jai and Sarah's to celebrate Jai's birthday which is April 22.

Celebrated Mel's Birthday, April 25th with a cookout on the river, celebrated Catherine's April 28th birthday with a party at her house, made a trip to CaveHill with Katie, where I learned I can't climb trees any more, and Jenny treated both Catherine and I to a birthday celebration April 29th with a trip to the zoo.

May rang in with an exciting Derby, meaning another weekend at Camp Mel's, May 4-6th where we got to witness Tiff's first Derby experience.

May 10th Mel Carol and I saw the GreenCards in concert at that weird church in town.

May 11-13th was a weekend in Black Mountain North Carolina for LEAF where Molly and Rachel helped me honor the two month anniversary of Forrest's death and Mother's day, where I scattered some of Forrest's ashes not too far from where I had scattered some of mom's 6 1/2 years earlier.

A LONG drive to Madison Indiana to see the Duhks for the 2nd weekend in a row occurred on May 18th when Carol Mel Tiff and I took the scenic route.

There was a memorable evening at Waterfront Wednesday May 30th that was significant in my developing role with NewCentury and was a difficult evening for a handful of folks present for varying reasons. Sheesh... April and May were busy, I am exhausted merely reading about it now.

June... June began with a tic infested (but still much fun) camping trip with Carrie and my pups June 2nd and 3rd

Another trip in town June 8th for Jen Rock, Molly and Rachel found most of the folks here in town exhausted and a bit cranky... We all now sport I love J-Rock shirts in support of her performance at a Lisa's tavern. We made the obligitory Farmer's Market visit, and then I spent a bit of time at the ER with Mel after she cut her knee and needed stitches on June 9th. I will post no photos for the sake of those with active imaginations and weak stomachs.

June 17th was the first annual Father's day at Bernheim (mark your calendars now for the 2nd annual one June 15 2008) where Carol shared her father's ties AND taught us how to tie them! I was able to scatter some more ashes and I was cranky and grieving hard... but survived it with the love and support of those around... and phone calls and messages from those not around!

June 22nd Mel, Carol and Tiff and I had a double date, where I hear I flung chocolate across the room, the bourbon was treating me right and numbing some pain.

Sometime towards the end of June, I volunteered to help out with the books and the website for NewCentury and Shekinah as I was beginning to realize how important that was becoming to my spiritual journey as well as to my survival in the midst of the muck I was traversing.

June marked the beginning of the end of one of my denial periods regarding Forrest's death as I began to slip into a depression and start to disconnect from many friends.

Thus ends the 2nd quarter of 2007... More coming soon!

2007 The Year in Review

2007-12-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

Halloween came and went without the intended post about costumes I had as a child, Thanksgiving came and went without a post about my thankfulness, and well… Christmas day came and went; frankly my only wish was to survive… blogging never entered my mind. Here as we are about to enter into a new year, I’d like to reflect on 2007. I intend to take a look at each month individually. Likely in more than one blog.

As a brief intro to 2007, I'll need to address the latter part of 2006... you know I can't tell a partial story!

December 10th 2006, I walked away from the unhealthy relationship of that year. Noticing my tendency to repeat the same patterns over and over, I felt the only way to break that one was to walk completey away from my best friend and any hopes of anything more with her.

Ironically, the same day also introduced me to Jud and Jen and many others who would come to help shape my 2007, followed by a December 16 meeting of Catherine, a re-meeting of Cindy, and a reaquanting with Natalie; Others who have helped me through 2007. Proving to me once again my belief that grief and loss can create a space that can be filled with great things, not a replacement mind you... something completely different and in this case more profound, genuine and fulfilling. Had I not made room for these folks, I feel certain the year would have been dratically more difficult to navigate.

This is me January 1st 2007, before I took down my Christmas tree. See it on the wall? My mom and Forrest made that in 1981. Anyway, my thought at the time was that I might like to use a photo of me and all my pets for my Christmas cards in 2007. Who knew my family would grow this year, making this a dated photo! You should have seen the 32 other photos I took. My tripod and time delay feature on my camera made this possible at all.

I have no specific memories of January. I began my netflix subscription and spent a lot of time at home watching movies and grieving. I did venture out and go to church a couple of times with Mel, who kept my head above water.

February came in with me in better shape emotionally. I saw Girlyman in concert for the 3rd time February 3rd. I believe that's the night I met Tiff, although she believes we met before then. Feb 10th a group of us headed to Cincinnati to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center and to Jungle Jim's International Market. Here's a collage of some of those photos and a couple of a Feb evening of pizza movies with another Jen friend and my babies.February 10th also marked the first time I knew things weren't right with Forrest. He had called and left me a message, he didn't sound good at all. In retrospect, this was the beginning of watching a train wreck happen in slow motion.

February 16th I was introduced to more pivotal people for me in 2007. I met Jenny, Rachel, Jai, Sarah, and re-met Catherine at a Blue Umbrella's concert at the Monkey Wrench.

I don't know the exact dates, but sometime in January and February I was attending both CCC and NewCentury. I had gone to CCC the first time December 10th and was introduced to the pastor of NewCentury at the same time. Although I was unaware that NewCentury was a church. I was attending the "Just Be" services on Wed nights contently thinking it was "meditation".

In February I participated in Lenten services for the first time in my life and even decided to give up a few thing for the season.

My favorite Feb memory is participating in the headshaving process of a friend for her Lenten journey on Ash Wednesday, Feb 21st.

The last Feb memory I have is of Mardi Gras at Clifton's Pizza. I was beginning to learn that I was way too out of shape to party like the CCC folks can.

So in rolls March... coming in like a lamb and leaving like a lion... I know the saying is the other way around... but not for me, not this year. March 3rd, Katie, Jenny, Tiff and I went to Karaoke after dancing one night. What fun! I remember feeling playful and free and enjoying my many new found friends. Lots of laughing, and developing connections and exploring my spirituality, finding a space, ever so shyly at NewCentury.

Then March 13th, Forrest took his own life. No note left behind. He took everything out of his pockets, left everything on top of the well made bed, went to the garage, presumably to reduce any mess, put a plastic bag over his head and shot himself. Funny that I can type those words with barely a tear in my eye. It stills seems so unreal and today I feel disconnected. There is the pain in my chest, and a lump in my throat, but I find it odd that's all I have. Of course I remember where I was when I found out. I was driving home from work exiting the highway at St. Catherine's Street. I had planned to walk my dogs in the park and didn't know what else to do, so I went on with the plan. Jenny, who I had known for less than a month, met me there and walked with me. Mel was in Puerto Rico. Other folks were still at work. All I could do is walk my dogs. I stopped by Robin and Dianna's. I can't remember anything else from that night. I went to work the next day at 5am and cleaned up somethings, told a few folks what happened, and left to go cut my hair. I felt it was the only thing I had any control over. Later that day, dear Catherine came and picked me up, took me for mint chocolate chip ice cream, to Wild Oats and then to her house where she made me granola. Thursday night, Mel came home. We spoke on the phone many times in the long two days between the time Forrest died and her return. I was so glad she was home. The next few days are a blur of more supportive phone calls and visits and a re-piercing of my ear... another controllable event.

Here are 2 pics of me the day after Forrest died and the rest are pictures taken during my 10 hour stay in Florida on St. Patrick's Day for Forrest's funeral. My plane landed in Orlando at 8:30am and left at 6:30pm. This was followed by the death of my biological father's mother exactly a week after Forrest's death. Before I headed to West Virginia for that funeral... I headed to the woods for an overnight stay March 20th in a cabin at Otter Creek. March 21st I attended NewCentury and discovered it was actually "church". There was communion and everything. Turns out they do this the 3rd Wednesday of each month. This one was my first, and threw me for a loop, especially while trying to deal with my grief in a quiet space.

I was in West Virginia for less than 24 hours. I had planned an "Everyone Love Kelly Party" for the March 24th, the same day as my grandmother's funeral, and well... I needed it so I drove home. Thanks to Robin and Dianna for hosting my love and support and bourbon filled evening of denial. I had a good time... see for yourself! March 25th, I got a tattoo. I have no more specific memories of March. It ended, and I survived heading full force into a headfirst tumble into April. Thus ends the first quarter of 2007. The review of rest of the year is to be continued...

Halcyon Days

2007-12-22T18:41:00.000-05:00

I am being proactive about selecting my totem bird for 2008. I decided that I cling to much to the vulture. Vultures represent cleansing and purification. I am not at all suggesting that is a bad thing. Just 'everything in moderation'.

I appreciate vultures because they take on an undesirable role in cleaning up the world. They prevent bacteria from spreading and causing disease. I also tend to be appreciate the underdogs, it whatever capacity. I think vultures are underappreciated and therefore I appreciate them. Again, not necessaily a bad thing. But I recently realized that I may identify too much with the underdog, or the underappreciated, or the victim role. Vultures take what is left over and discarded.... I am trying to be intentional about asking for what I want in the world, in many different ways, and not just taking the leftovers, no longer living in fear of scarcity. There simply is enough of everything that I need to go around.

So I have chosen a bird that I have always been fond of. The kingfisher. One of the things this bird represents is prosperity.

Also, ironically enough, we happen to be in the season of the kingfisher...

According to Greek legend, Ceyx and Halcyon were wed. Shortly thereafter Ceyx had to make a long voyage and he drowned during a storm. Halcyon waited for his return for months. Then one day his body washed ashore. In her grief she threw herself into the ocean. The gods were moved by her love and grief. She and her husband were turned into Kingfishers and were reunited in love and peace. The Gods then declared that from one week before the winter solstice through one week after it, the seas would be calm and sun would shine. This time of peace is called the "Halycon Days"

Kingfishers also represent:

Connection to peaceful seas
Happiness and love
Peace
Indifference to surroundings
Clear vision through emotional waters
Ability to dive (focus) into emotional waters and catch ones dreams
New warmth
Sunshine
Prosperity
Love

I don't know if one can intentionally select a totem, or if they have to come into your life first to become your totem... but I can use all of the above in 2008, so I am putting it out there and claiming it! and as a disclaimer, I actually stalked an illusive kingfisher on my retreat into the woods and did capture a few very pixelated photos!

Nativity scenes?

2007-12-21T18:36:00.000-05:00

This one's my favorite

Check out more here

Where the Great Heron Feeds

2007-11-16T19:16:00.000-05:00

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

OK, so the real name of the poem is The Peace of Wild Things and it was written by Wendell Berry. I was introduced to this poem about a month ago and was immediately taken with it. A few days later I memorized and read it at a church retreat while Ladyburg drew a beautiful picture of a heron. That was the Magical Mystical Church weekend.

After our morning of sharing in poetry and so much more, we headed to Cherokee park to do more of the same and have a picnic lunch. The experiences shared there were magical all on there own, but just before we left, Jud spotted a great blue heron. While all of us enjoyed the heron for a bit, it was Katie, Ashley and myself that seemed unable to walk away from this beautiful creature who seemed so unconcerned with the very nearness of us. She was beautiful and graceful and stepped through the water with an elegance seldom seen. She came even closer to us, bent down, plucked this big red fish out of the creek and strutted to the other side of the creek, faced us and held it in her mouth for it seemed like a minute or more. She then opened her mouth and swallowed the fish whole. Down the long slender neck it went... we saw it slide down until it rested just above her shoulder where we could still see it distorting the shape of the base of her neck. She then shimmied and the shape disappeared into her belly.

It was an amazing weekend. A weekend where I was fed and one in which I am still being fed. It was a grief anniversary weekend for me where I was able to literally go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I've Been Tagged by LadyBurg!

2007-11-04T22:24:00.000-05:00

Tagged = someone challenges you to come up with 10 random things about yourself, then you have to tag 5 other bloggers.

10 Random things about me:

I have a soft heart and maybe even a slight obsession with both vultures and opossums. I think they are the under-dogs of the animal world and feel that they are severely under-appreciated.
I can tell you that a Taco Bell taco-the regular corn, hard shell kind- when properly made, weighs 3 oz. Those 3 oz consist of 1.5 oz beef like substance, ½ oz lettuce, ¼ cheese, and the shell weighs ¾ oz. Add another oz for a supreme (3/4 oz sour cream, ¼ oz tomatoes)
I have always wanted to learn to play the cello. Last summer I rented one and tried to teach myself. I gave up after a month. I still want to learn, but will try an instructor next time.
Although I am a self proclaimed vegetarian… I LOVE bacon!!! It is one of the biggest temptations is my world. I consider bacon the gateway meat- in the same way that pot is sometimes said to be a gateway drug, opening the door to harder ones.
I love plants and I love to garden, but I tend to forget to water plants for months at a time and generally, eventually kill them.
I grew up near the beach and spent summers vacationing in Kentucky. Never thought it odd until I moved to KY and found everyone here vacations in Florida.
I visited East Berlin in 1987, 2 years before the wall was torn down. The only picture I have shows a big thumb covering 90% of the picture. You can see my bright red pants and white Reebok high tops and a bit of graffiti on a wall behind me.
I have been to the Daytona 500.
On January 28, 1986, I watched the space shuttle Challenger blow up from my high school campus, less than three miles away from the launch site at Kennedy Space Center.
I have a sometimes considered odd or uncanny memory for dates of happenings, I can generally tell you what time it is within 15 minutes, and I don’t use an alarm to wake up in the mornings (that was three in one… a couple of bonus ones there)!

I tag:

Melanie at melanie's meanderings
Jens at Rest Break
Rachel at i'm not sure...
Tiffany at Lost in Louisville
rachelerin at This day...
and because I can't count...
Dott at Dott Comments

Jewelry

2007-11-02T17:35:00.000-04:00

Here's some of what I have been creating this week:

note: the red at the top of both photos is the pins holding the necklaces in place

Cheater Post

2007-10-28T11:45:00.000-04:00

This is officially another one of those posts just to ensure I do not let the entire month pass without blogging.

I am hoping it will also serve as a role of accountability for me to post regarding the following topics:

Magical Herons and Mystical Churches
My new kitten Linney... who is not so new anymore, but I never blogged about her.
My heartburn (bet you can't wait for that one)
Sourdough bread baking
Jewelry making
Photography taking
and leaf raking -not really... but it's seasonally appropriate and it rhymed--ooh which brings me to...
Poetry

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I may not get to them all, but hopefully this will get me started.

I will take requests for blog posting on the above or other potential topics!

Wild Geese

2007-09-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.

Departure- Retreat Part 3

2007-09-16T09:07:00.000-04:00

On my way out, I stopped one last time at Mary's Lake; to soak in the sunshine and crisp autumn breeze, to search perhaps again for the Great Horned Owl protecting her surrounding Forrest, or to catch another glimpse of the Fishing Green Heron.

As I walk away towards my car that will take me back to reality, I feel saddened to leave Mary's Lake and Cedars of Peace. As I feel the sorrow and pangs in my heart, I believe that I will leave a piece of me here. As those thoughts and feelings settle in my mind and heart, I also realize that I will be taking a piece with me. A piece of the land and the trees, the butterflies and frogs, the cleansing breeze and the sunshine, the dragonflies, deer, owls and herons, and the Forrest surrounding the lake. It is now as it has always been, a part of me.

As I continue walking away, it brings me joy to think of my sharing the heron theme of this year. I will share the heron, the owl and the Forrest, with all those I know. Which is to say, that I will share the love, the peace, the wonder and the hope that I have found in this moment.

Can't see the Forrest for the trees? Retreat Part 2

2007-09-16T08:49:00.000-04:00

I wander around deep in the woods, seeing beauty all around. Feeling connected to nature and God- and feeling grounded and happy- seeing owls in the middle of the day, butterflies landing on my leg and shoulder, watching a green heron fish in the lake for hours, then taunt me with a nearby visit.

Feeling at one with all becomes a visual thought while watching my shadow move across the landscape and become part of the shadows of the trees. Watching the shadows merge, I have never doubted less the one-ness of all things, all beings.

Even still, frustration turns in me, as I still can't seem to find Forrest's presence. It does eventually occur to me that I may be a bit stubborn (OK, so it's not a new thought). Am I looking too hard- beyond all the magic that is happening all around me? Maybe he is here- in the Forrest surrounding the lake, near the heron, maybe he is the heron- Forrest was quite the fisherman in his day. I will try today to not look so hard for answers and signs, and believe that I did see the Forrest- and the trees- and I will enjoy the peace that brings.

Retreat

2007-09-15T16:19:00.000-04:00

I just spent a 48 hour retreat alone in a cabin at Cedars of Peace at the Sisters of Loretto in Nerinx, KY.
Thank God for cell phones and friends that text and leave messages, allowing my solitude to not feel like isolation.
Here's a few things I discovered while gone:

I stayed in wonder, yet hope was visible just outside my door. Seriously, "Wonder" was the name of my cabin and was nestled just behind "Hope"; which of course meant to me that hope is just ahead.
I am not a country girl. As I wandered down the gravel road, I kept noticing corn cobs strewn about. I immediately thought how sweet it was for the sisters to feed the squirrels; as that's what we do in the city, buy dried corn on the cob to feed the squirrels. I had already marvelled at the massive corn field just to my left that had already been cut down for the season. It did eventually occur to me that is where the corn cobs had come from.
Ants can eat a butterfly alive. It was a sad sight for me. I tried to intervene, but it was already looking a little too late for the butterfly. I cried.
I witnessed a pair of dragonflies playing by the lake, skimming the water for dinner. Then, suddenly one became trapped in some algae funk and was unable to fly away. You can maybe imagine the loud bzzzing that was occurring as the dragonfly flailed about trying to escape the vegetation's death grip. I was able to relieve my butterfly guilt and rescue the most beautiful green dragonfly I have ever seen as its playmate buzzed about frantically watching the entire episode. I also let the picture of the day escape me as a result. I was stalking a green heron in hopes of capturing a photo of his winged departure. He flew away while I was putting on my super hero cape.
A troupe of deer make less noise in the woods than a single squirrel. I find that fascinating.
Twin beds are indeed much smaller than my king size bed at home. I rolled over to grab my phone to receive a text... and rolled off the bed and onto the floor, where I stayed laughing wildly for a bit.
The number one can represent loneliness or it can represent one-ness with all and connected-ness and therefore not alone at all.

I went to the woods seeking
solitude, comfort and peace

I entered the woods fearing
Isolation, pain and despair

I steeped in the woods soaking in
Wonder, hope and joy

I left the woods feeling
Love, peace and connection

I come away renewed, refreshed and resurrected
My mind, my spirit and my soul.

Thanks to All

2007-09-06T20:50:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of the card that was placed on my door Friday night.

Well, I am not sure who to send thank you cards to, and I can't afford a thank you billboard. Therefore, a thank you blog will have to suffice (on a side note, while typing the word "blog, I originally typed the word "clog". Those of you who may prefer a thank you clog, either in the dance form or the stopped up drain form, please contact me directly and I will see what we can arrange).

Seriously, not often am I speechless. This gift has touched me more than any of you can ever know. I have no words to describe my feelings. Thank you for the gift, and more importantly, I am ever thankful for the continued gift of friendship from you all.

I found my glasses... sort of.

2007-08-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

So, three weeks ago tomorrow I began a descent into depression that began with the losing of my glasses. Due to the fear of just such an occurrence, I purchased two pairs this past spring, but my black and green ones are my favorite. I suppose I should say 'were' rather than 'are', but I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

The morning started with me putting my favorite glasses on my face thinking I wish I knew right where my other pair were, as I would have preferred to wear them that particular morning. I continued to get ready for work and out the door I went. But, it was one of THOSE Monday mornings where things just weren't going right. I had to go back inside my house three times before I had all that I needed to head to work. I was a little rattled, but out I set down the alley pedaling my bike to work. That's when I noticed it, I didn't have my glasses on my face, so back into the house I went. I looked everywhere and couldn't find them or my second pair. Into a frantic and out of control breakdown went I. With a bit of hope of the slight possibility that my second pair of glasses was at work, I called a handful of folks and finally secure a ride to work from my dear friend Jen. Delicious meltdown mode is I believe how she described my hysteria.

I arrived at work and found no glasses, but thought I would just force myself to make it through the day without them. I can see without them, it is uncomfortable and things in the distance are blurry, but I can survive if need be. After working for about three hours, I moved a folder on my desk, and there was my second pair of glasses! Feeling a little crazy, but at least now having restored my sight, I made it through the day and came home to turn the house upside down in search of my black and green glasses!

No where to be found, I decided that this was symbolic for something in my life. You know, like I lack clarity, or vision, or I am searching for something I can't see... or the search was symbolic for perhaps my search for my mind which I feel like I have lost entirely. I had begun to think that if only I could find my glasses, things would start to fall back into place and perhaps I could pull myself out of this depression I seem stuck in.

Today, three weeks later, I found my glasses. Or part of them anyway. I found one bent, twisted and badly cut earpiece. The lawn was mowed yesterday, as apparently were my glasses.

I now see the entire experience as more symbolic of how I have been feeling. Lost and removed from my source, ever searching for clarity that so often seems to be lacking for me, and now, disjointed, twisted, bent and cut deeply... and disconnected from and simply lacking the bigger part of the whole.

At least I now know they didn't really

just dematerialize right from my face.

Herons

2007-06-30T11:47:00.001-04:00

It was spring of 2006 when I first noticed them. How excited I was to see a heron flying over downtown Louisville. Then another and another. They would appear alone, or in numbers of up to 5 that I have seen. It seems they have a flight path that crosses over 65 near St Catherine and Floyd St. I found out recently, that to the dismay of many people, they nest in or around Germantown, flying to and from the river, bringing fish carcasses and polluting neighborhood yards; I personally would be thrilled to have a heron in my yard, dead fish, stinky poop and all. In any case, back to the story at hand... I think they are night herons.

Here's a night heron photo

I took of a few years ago:

As most of you know, I have a bit of an obsession with birds. I feel the need to point most birds out to others as I see them (which can be really annoying to others on road trips).

Last year, I spent most of my time, energy, love, friendship and frustration fixated on one other person. Every time I saw one of these herons, I pointed it out. As we spoke on the phone many times throughout the day, we would be in the middle of a conversation, and I would briefly interrupt to say, "oh, there goes another heron". And in another few minutes, "there's 2 more", and so on it went. It got to the point that she requested I merely keep a tally of all the birds I saw and report it to her once a day.

This year, I am happy to say that I don't talk to any one person on the phone 15 times a day and I am not burdening one person with my heron speak. We could spend lots of time analyzing the seemingly lack of compassion in this other individual, but this is my side of this story, and besides I have done that plenty!

The point I wish to make is that I feel like I am tons healthier this year. I haven't and don't put all my eggs in one basket. I share my stories and my life with many people. I don't look to one person to meet all of my needs, nor do I try to meet all of one person's needs. I think this makes for one much more emotionally healthy Kelly and one who has great gratitude for all of those with whom I am sharing the herons in 2007.

What if...

2007-06-22T18:34:00.000-04:00

Today I was introduced to my first case of the "what ifs". It knocked the wind out of me for quite some time, and is likely not gone yet. Words of wisdom from a wise friend...

"...there are no what ifs, there is only what is"

and something to the effect of...

"Kelly, you ain't that big and bad that you could have controlled, prevented or changed this"

She's right, of course. I suppose this is just part of my process... I was a little surprised by the "what ifs". They definitely sneaked up on me. Three months ago, I was angry when it was suggested that any one could have done any thing differently to have achieved another outcome. Everyone did the best they could, right? RIGHT?

Back to the simple point of it... it just simply is... that's all.

It is.

Random Peacock

2007-06-18T18:35:00.000-04:00

So there was this peacock walking up Grinstead today. He walked on the side of the road, I swear he stopped to look before crossing Bardstown Road, actually at the crosswalk. It was obvious that all the nearby cars were aware of the bird, so traffic was stopped and all were safe.

Very thankful am I for my new camera phone!

Here he is right behind the bus stop on Grinstead and Bardstown Road:

Apparently, he decided not to take the bus today

and instead walked through Wendy's parking lot:

He continued on, heading down the alley behind Pita Delight's. I was obviously stalking him at this point. He was approaching Baxter avenue and I was certain that Mr. Peacock wasn't going to take a right to cross at the crosswalk at Bardstown and Grinstead.

I slammed the car in park, jumped out and ran down the alley, arriving just in the nick of time to run out into the middle of the road to stop traffic so Mr. Peacock could cross safely.

Here he is on some unknown mission- likey headed to the cemetary; although not Cave Hill, which is where he came from:

Feeling my duty was complete, I headed home to blog about the event. An after thought... should I actually have been run over by one of the cars that I stopped, know that I would have died happy, as long as the bird was able to cross safely.

The First Annual Father's Day Hike/Picnic at Bernheim

2007-06-18T07:51:00.000-04:00

Carol brought her father's ties to give to all of us.

It was a hard day for me; in fact it was a hard weekend for me.

However, this day was filled with moments of laughter and fun,

tenderness and comfort, good food and wonderful friends,

ritual and spirit, support and love for all of us,

trees and vultures, and sharing and tears.

Thanks to all who came and shared and loved.

So, the thing about grief...

2007-06-17T20:49:00.000-04:00

is that it can come up and bite you in the ass when you have been ignoring it for too long.

I once watched this hawk do an amazing thing. A storm came up quickly, the winds became abruptly strong and the sky opened up and rain poured heavily. I watched this hawk fly through the storm for a bit and land on this large branch. It had to really fight to keep its perch. It hung in there for some time, struggling all the while. Then it flew to another branch, one I thought was less sturdy. What happened surprised me. The hawk rode the branch as it moved with the winds. She didn't struggle much, other than latching on with a good tight grip. The storm ended as quickly as it had appeared and the hawk flew away, seemingly not any worse for the wear.

Now that was January 3, 2006. I reflect on this often and sometimes I find a new lesson therein. This is what I thought of today:

One should not fly through the storm as if it doesn't exist. Instead, it's a good idea to recognize, honor and respect the storm.
One should not rely on the seemingly most sturdy branch around. Just because your foundation seems strong, clinging to it might mean you have to fight extra hard to weather the storm.
Finding a branch that gives seems to be the best way to endure a storm. Find a foundation that allows some flexibility and gives a little; dig your claws in and ride it through to the end. Knowing there will likely be another wave of that strong band of storms coming from the west... and there's nothing one can do to prevent it; just prepare to ride it out.

I'm off to get my yellow slicker, some boots, some goggles so I can better see through the storm, and maybe a life jacket to hold me afloat should the branch fall and I drown in my own tears.

by the way, happy father's day!

The Tent

2007-06-15T20:44:00.000-04:00

Here's a photographic journey of the reassembly of my tent after it was mistakenly disassembled rather than simply folded.

First attempt; it might work as a Tepee?

53rd Attempt and two hours later;

after help from 2 nice neighbor guys.
Attempts 2-52 were not photographed because of severe frustration,
blood, sweat, and tears that nearly drove the photographer insane.

Rainfly assembled correctly!

Me; exasperated, yet thrilled that
the task was accomplished!

random poem of unknown origin

2007-06-14T21:44:00.000-04:00

How magical and wondrous you once were
An enchanted prisoner became the heart
Like so many before

It grew twisted and bent and skewed

Need and want became one in the mind
Needing communion with your heart
Wanting a drop of love in return
All joy was held within your hands

Divine Providence like thunder cracked your façade
Allowing in a glimmer of light and hope and truth
And lightening struck with inexpressible force and vengeance
And shattered the spell that was

With gratitude for the experience
And compassion for your emptiness
This heart grew wings
And learns to fly free

Multiple Mottoed

2007-06-10T00:38:00.000-04:00

So, mottoed is actually a word, I looked it up. However, when I say that I am multiple mottoed in '07, it sounds like I say multiple mottled, which I think describes me as well... but I digress.

Another motto I claim for this year:

I am Sharin' the Herons in '07

I will try to follow up eventually with an explanation of that one. Meanwhile, if you can't wait that long, call me, I'll explain.

What's your motto for 2007?

2007-06-05T22:02:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in a previous post, 2007 was originally suppose to be The Year of Beer for me. However, due to a life altering decision made by another, in March, I altered it to be The Year of Bourbon. I was also originally looking forward to participating in the Casual Dating '07 movement, but that doesn't feel right anymore either. I feel now as if I need to actually make a plan to do things in my life rather than merely saying I should do these things; therefore my new motto is Makin' it Happen in '07!

I am Makin' it Happen in '07!
Jen is In It To Win It in '07!
Erick is Napping on the Couch in '07!
Carol is Raising the Bar-n in '07!

What are you doing in '07?

Rachel is Casual Dating in '07
Kate says You Ain't That Big 'N Bad in '07

My Girls

2007-05-26T00:25:00.000-04:00

In the past three weeks, I have had my breasts fondled by more women than I can count.

Frankly speaking however, the left is feeling slightly neglected. Should anyone feel the call to step up and handle the situation to remedy this blatant display of favoritism, please contact me.

In all seriousness, I am relieved to report that

both my girls are happy and as healthy as they can be!

Lake Eden Arts Festival

2007-05-14T14:15:00.000-04:00

If you have never been to LEAF in Black Mountain, NC (just outside of Asheville), I highly recommend going at least once.

This was the 7th time I had been to LEAF, but the first time I had camped. Here's one view from our tent. This is absolutely no representation of the sea of tents among us. Although we were camping on top of each other, everyone at LEAF always seems to be wonderfully tolerant, liberal and like minded folk, and therefore it's not at all like camping, oh say at Deam lake, amongst drunk obnoxious folks; not to say that many of these folks were not drunk, just not obnoxious or angry.

Things I learned while camping this weekend:

That extra pole that came with my tent, the tent I have owned and used many times in the past 7 years or so, is not really an extra pole, and should not be left at home. It really goes to the rain fly that helps keep us dry in case of rain... the rain fly doesn't do as good of a job without this pole; as learned Friday night while Molly and I slept on a raft (air mattress) in a puddle, and Rachel made due with a much smaller floatation device, also known as a ground pad.
It's a good idea to waterproof a tent; thanks Rachel, I'll work on that for future camping experiences.
Although it is not necessary to bring everything but the kitchen sink when camping, I feel so much better knowing that I have four flashlights, two pocket knives, a kitchen knife with a built in cheese slicer, a roll of paper towels (although I didn't use even one) a roll of (soon soggy) toilet paper, a big box of matches (although we were not allowed to build a fire), and numerous other miscellaneous items. I am nothing if not (over) prepared.
Requesting a candle from a trip to town isn't as easy a task as it seems (a guest blog entry regarding this story would certainly be welcomed here).
Text messaging is a wonderful thing while roaming around a huge hippie festival.
I prefer to never go camping without Molly, as she rolled up all sleeping bags and the air mattress and pretty much broke down camp with no assistance, while Rachel and I were off waltzing, leaving only the tent to come down later.
I may never be able to put my tent up again, but the company and the weekend were well worth it!
I somehow acquired the leftover wisconsin white cheese (sorry, but thank you) and found that when bananas are stored in the cooler everything absorbs their flavor, as discovered as I write this entry while eating a banana flavored grilled cheese sandwhich.
Another visit to NC is necessary soon, as I didn't get much quality time with Bryony. :(
Molly and Rachel are two of the finest folks I know, good people indeed. Warm, welcoming, loving, accepting, appreciative, responsive, nurturing, wise, supportive, amazing listeners, helpful, hopeful, inspiring, and beautiful and wonderful in so so many ways.

I am lucky to have such beautiful and wonderful friends; chances are, if you are pictured here, or are even simply reading this, I have a crush on you; like the dog I must have been in a previous life, it's puppy love indeed. Pat me on the head and scratch me behind the ear and I'll love you forever. Fact is I love everyone who has been so supportive and nurturing to me lately. It is so appreciated and needed... thanks!

Things I Learned Derby Weekend at Camp Mel's

2007-05-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

Molly and Rachel

Tiff: Getting Derbied

Mel and Kel

Rachel and Catherine

Rachel, Mel, Carol, Tiffany, Molly and me

Although it is possible to make a conscious decision to not let someone else steal your joy, it's not always effective, or the wisest of choices
Apparently, parties have to last 65 hours at Mel's
When the mattress gets dragged out into her living room, Melanie's house officially becomes Camp Mel's
Camp Mel's is the place to be for Derby
Some random folks got "partied" and Tiff Reckoning got "Derbied"
My new favorite phrase is "Mel, just a minute ago, I got Drrruh-uhnk"!
Hotlanta took her mom's fashion advice from the previous visit seriously; gotta love Cathy for her wisdom
Having never been exposed to homemade ice-cream, I have now had 3 fabulous experiences; homemade by two different beautiful women... all within the past three weeks! Life IS good!
I still make pretty darn good guacamole
Boston makes the best mint juleps ever, tailored especially for every one's specific needs
Twig and Leaf doesn't do grits well... but there's an award winning recipe that carol could sell them
Thanks to a dance lesson, some cleavage, and a dance with one who can waltz like none other, I found my dancing feet again, they had been on hiatus for a bit
I will never be able to eat a mango alone... it has to be a shared fruit as someone else has to cut them for me
Tiffany wields a mango cutting knife like none other
Tiff and I are partnered in life in the following areas: music sharing, mango eating, clove smoking, and crop sharing
Knox was sorely missed this time 'round

There is nothing better in the world than a house full of women talking, laughing, loving, breathing, cooking, crying, drinking, writing, kissing, thinking, dreaming.

This is the way, it's the way that we love... and it should be the way that we live,

ALL THE TIME!

Thanks once again Mel, your hospitality is as always fabulous, and you and your friends are wonderful. I am blessed to be a part of all the acceptance, the love and the fun!

Cave Hill Cemetary (Part Two); Meet Kitka

2007-04-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

The mini marathon was the best day to visit Cave Hill. All the entrances were blocked due to the race, therefore Katie and I parked a couple of blocks away and walked in. It was very peaceful and we saw no other vistors until we met Kitka.

This is Kitka.

She lives in the cemetary, using a barn as her shelter and home. She is free to roam wherever she wants, and is owned by no one.

This lovely lady is one half of the couple that comes daily to take care of Kitka. They feed her, brush her, love her, and take her to the vet as necessary.

The woman's husband told us about Kitka. He was careful to make sure he spelled her name for Katie and me.

He told us that they have been caring for her for several years on a daily basis. At one point another couple took Kitka with them so she'd have a better life in their home. She was returned to the cemetary soon thereafter, apparently happier when free.

I was inspired by this couple's love and devotion to Kitka, and the fact that they have no need to own her. How sweet it is to let her live her life as she seems to prefer. I was also inspired by Kitka's happiness in living alone and her willingness to accept the love and tenderness from her ever faithful chosen family.

This was definitely an unexpected bonus to our visit, and left us with smiles on our faces.

Me with Katie,

One member of my ever faithful chosen family

Cave Hill Cemetary (Part One)

2007-04-30T18:15:00.000-04:00

While on a stroll through this beautiful cemetery, Katie and I see the perfect tree for climbing. Seriously, it was begging to be climbed. So Katie, ever so gracefully, ascends the tree. See below:

I decide that I must also ascend the tree. Fortunately, my camera was on the ground and no where near Katie's hands, because what ensued thereafter was not nearly as elegant of a display as I had envisioned. All of 3.5 feet from the ground, my legs, feet, arms and hands are clinging to the trunk with every once of energy I had in me. I remained perched for what seemed like 15 minutes, but was perhaps only 1 minute, pondering how I would descend should I go any further, then... actually how will I descend if I don't go any further. Fear gripped me, as I gripped the tree. After calmly expressing to Katie that I felt I was in a somewhat serious predicament, she suggests I simply drop to the ground as it wasn't that high. That seemed logical except that there was no good place for my feet to land on solid ground... there were many roots intertwined below, and as mentioned in a previous post, broken bones were my friend as a child, and I am trying to avoid them as an adult. OK, so I found footing and was able to reach ground mostly unscathed. A few scratches and some quivering muscles all over my body were the only reminder of the event. Katie graciously did not make fun of me... not even once!

Today, almost three days later, I still have achy muscles. I am either too old or too out of shape to attempt this again (surely not both?!). Next time I see a similar tree, my thinking will be, "what a perfect tree for Katie to climb"!

Fun Times!

2007-04-29T20:08:00.000-04:00

Jenny took Catherine and I to the zoo for a co-birthday celebration.

As you can see, good times were had by all:

Although the baby elephant was adorable, the lorakeet exhibit

made for the best pictures of the day.

Thank you Jenny for treating.

And thank you Catherine for sharing in the birthday fun.

You guys are great!

Anniversary

2007-04-27T20:44:00.000-04:00

It was two years ago today that I posted my very first blog.

For those of you who know of my bizarre ability to recall dates, know that I didn't really remember that, I happened upon the fact whilst wandering around the ol' blogstead.

Happy Anniversary to me!

6 Weeks

2007-04-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

As a rather clumsy child, I had a couple of broken bones in my day. Typically, I was in a cast for 6 weeks while the bone set, repaired and healed itself.

6 weeks does nothing for a broken heart. Maybe someone could invent a cast to help it set?

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-04-21T09:27:00.000-04:00

How great the city celebrates my 36th birthday with thunderous force! Thunder Over Louisville is the largest annual pyrotechnics display in North America.

I think it's great to honor my birthday in this way; By creating tons of noise pollution, contributing to such commercialism, destroying the environment, and my favorite: scaring the poor animals, especially the birds.

And the air show prior to the fireworks... simply awesome. How great it is that we honor our troops in Iraq by simulating war here at home.

Three cheers and a Happy Birthday to me!

Purple Sequins

2007-04-16T13:57:00.000-04:00

I have recently joined VOICES, a community chorus. We had our two concerts this past Friday and Saturday evenings at the Clifton Center. I joined because I love to sing and I thought it would be another way to introduce new things and new people into my life. I was right on both counts. One of the new things I was introduced to is the purple sequined outfit that the group wears for most of our concerts.

Because I have a bit of an aversion to purple and an even bigger aversion to sequins, I was mortified to have to wear the "cracked ice duster" (as it is referred to within the group). But alas, for your entertainment, here is a photo:

Lovely, isn't it? I was informed later that they aren't even sequins. It is merely lots of purple glitter glued in dots all over. Fabulous, just fabulous.

But the performances went well and I had fun. Fortunately, we are getting rid of these outfits soon because the "cracked ice" material is no longer available. Oh, darn.

That's a lot of Hail!

2007-04-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

Apparently, there was this massive storm that happened the other day. It started to rain pretty hard at 6pm as I was walking into rehearsal for my VOICES debut this weekend (more on that later). That's all I knew of the storm until I got home that night around 10pm.

Here are a couple of photos of leftover hail 4 hours after the storm...

And here's a photo 24 hours after the storm:

Obviously, I was fascinated.

The Year of Bourbon

2007-04-09T21:40:00.000-04:00

2006 was The Year of Wine for me. I now know some wines that I do like and some that I don't. I can go to a restaurant and order a glass of wine without any assistance now.

2007 was originally designated as The Year of Beer for me. However, recent events in my life have changed 2007 into The Year of Bourbon.

I thank Suzanne for introducing me to Woodford Reserve, Melanie for keeping it in my world, and Molly for recently informing me that coke is a wasteful additive to it. Woodford Reserve happens to be the official bourbon for the Kentucky Derby, or so the billboard at Lexington Rd and Frankfort Ave says anyway, and if it's good enough for the Derby by golly, it's good enough for me!

I know it is a lofty goal... but my plan is to be able to drink Woodford straight by the end of 2007.

Hey... we all need goals to work towards, right?

Things I learned this Weekend and a Tribute to Mel and Her Many Friends

2007-04-08T16:25:00.001-04:00

It is possible to make a conscious decision to not let someone else steal your joy
A party at Mel’s house can last up to 65 hours
Mel is the best hostess in the world
Although she lives less than 2 miles from me, I feel like I am at a resort on vacation while at Mel’s
People come from 5 different states to attend a party at Mel’s place.
Mel is a fabulous cook
11 women can comfortably fit in Mel’s bed
There is such a thing as seeing too much of “The L Word”
It is imperative that you ask permission to open any windows in Mel’s house
There is apparently a screening process to become a friend of Mel’s, as all of her friends are beautiful souls (click here to request an application). Quite the group of hotties and the most compassionate, loving and lovable folks around. And most can prepare amazing meals to order!
Mel’s couch is quite a comfy place to sleep
Mel has two cats, I thought they were called Zeke and Abbey. Apparently their real names are Cat Head and Kitty Face
An order of hash-browns is now its own food group; recommended to be served at each and every meal.
Hotlanta can waltz like none other, thankfully she’ll lead… and I’d follow her anywhere.
Knox can passionately strum her guitar and makes all the girls swoon when she sings.
I’d pay $50 to hear Boston call me baby just one more time (note from editor: Boston sounds so much better than Peoria, doesn’t it?)
Derby is merely 4 weeks away

The weekend was much needed food for my soul; Full of love and laughter, fun and playfulness, hugs and head rubs, snuggles and back rubs, great food and drink, great live music- Unplugged in Mel’s Kitchen, and more nurturing folks under one roof than imaginable. The love in Mel's house will carry me for a while.

Thanks Melanie! You and your friends are the best!

Pictures

2007-03-31T23:47:00.000-04:00

I make no claim that these are good photos by any means. This is merely a photographic documentary of my first week after Forrest's death.

2 Weeks

2007-03-27T20:46:00.000-04:00

A lot can happen in two weeks.

A loss of life to suicide
3 bereavement days from work
One massive hair cut
A ten hour visit to Florida; arrival time 8:30am, departure time 6:30pm
Amazing connections with marine wildlife; birds and dolphins and manatees, oh my!
One upper ear re-piercing, pierced by none other than me. Buddah now resides in my ear; The Buddha Listens.
The creation of 30 pairs of earrings, called Kelly's Grief Collection
Another loss of life, this one to old age
3 more bereavement days from work
30 more earrings; the second line of Kelly's Grief Collection
The taking up of a new hobby of running (more like jogging/walking/jogging/walking/walking /walking/joggi...no, walking)
An overnight retreat into the woods at Otter Creek with my boys
A 20 hour stay in West Virginia
A brief reconnect with a dear friend from high school
One amazing Everyone Loves Kelly party (click here for photos) hosted by two even more amazing friends
A new tattoo

To sum it all up... Loss and Love and a Life with many blessings even though they may be hard to see at times.

A big thanks to my many friends, some new and some not so new, some near and some not so near, who continue to help me stand.

My New Tattoo

2007-03-27T19:44:00.000-04:00

Here's a few facts about the symbols in the tattoo:

The eye in the center is commonly referred to as the Eye of Ra. However, this is the left eye, which is the known as the Eye of Horus or the Eye of Thoth. In Egyptian Mythology, the left eye of Horus was ripped out and torn into pieces by the Storm God, Seth. Thoth, the God of the Wisdom and Magic was able to reassemble the pieces into the full moon. Horus then gave the eye to his murdered father Osiris thereby bringing him back to life. A couple of side notes about Horus: He was the son of Osiris and Isis; the hawk was the personification of Horus; One story tells of his turning into a solar disc with wings; He was associated with the Living King who is sometimes said to embody both the spirit of light (Horus) and the spirit of darkness (Seth), representing the ever present, eternal universal strife.
The Winged Solar Disc is the symbol of the perfected soul making its flight back to the source of its creation.
The wings in my design are patterned after those of the turkey vulture. Turkey Vultures represent cleansing and purification.

Exhausted!

2006-09-20T18:24:00.000-04:00

I walk about .25 miles to the bus stop in the morning, about .05 miles to work from the bus stop, then about .25 miles to the bus stop from work in the afternoon, and another .25 miles from the stop to my house. That's about .8 miles. Why am I so freakin' exhausted?

My theory is that part of the new me is a new girly attire, complete with those miserably uncomfortable shoes. My feet, legs, buttocks, and back are killing me today. From today on, I will be one of those women you see in sneakers and socks with a dress on... Until I reach my desk, at which point, much like Mr. Rogers, I will change shoes, and don my new cardigan because it is also freezing in my new office.

I am off to the couch to stare into space for the next 3 hours until bedtime!

The New and Improved Me

2006-09-18T18:52:00.000-04:00

I have a new job (I start tomorrow), new friends, and a new persona... I got a little wild and crazy and shed some clothing while seeing my one true love (Ty from Girlyman) on stage the other night (there may be pictures later).

I am shedding old clothes that do not fit anymore (different than the clothing mentioned above), shedding appropriate trash into my new compost pile, and trying to shed old habits in relationships that really don't serve me (or anyone else) well.

Thanks to a string of events including what I like to call "Camping with the Cliftonites" (Clifton Unitarian Church camp-out) during labor day weekend, attending the September 8th InKY Reading Series at the Rudyard Kipling (a monthly event I think everyone should attend) and being introduced to the New Southerner online magazine, now with an anthology in print (which I think everyone should buy), I am also on a new path to lead a more environmentally friendly existence.

My first three steps are as follows... As mentioned above, I started a compost pile, to help replenish the earth, rather than add to the land fill, I plan on riding the bus (World Carfree Day is Friday Sept 22) to the new job through the end of the year, and I am hanging my clothes out to dry on my newly purchased clothes line (my landlord and neighbors are thrilled).

It's nice to meet you!

Where's a phone booth when you need one?

2006-08-28T19:51:00.000-04:00

Last week was the week from hell. Our office was relocating. Because we were packing, organizing files, and uncovering 30 years of dust, dirt and grime... We were allowed to dress down. Great! The only problem for me is that I have been interviewing for a new job during my lunch hour upon occasion. One such occasion occured one day last week. Normally, I would have worn nice pants and a blouse and had a jacket in the car. That was not an option due to the nature of our work last week, so I thought I'd leave a few minutes early and change in a nearby McDonald's bathroom. Traffic was exceptionally horrendous that particular day and it took me 15 minutes to get near the McD's parking lot, but it was so crowded, I opted for plan B, which had not yet been developed. After several minutes of driving in the direction of my upcoming interview, I thought I'd change in the Starbuck's bathroom. It was only a block from my final destination. Did you know that Starbuck's on 5th and Muhammad Ali does not have a bathroom? The Galt House, however, right next door does. So, here I go parading through the Galt House carrying a suit... Not a big deal, it's a hotel. I change clothes, have no time to make it back to my car to drop off jeans, t-shirt and tennies, so I cram them into a plastic Kroger bag and stash it in a corner in one of the last stalls and hope for the best upon my return. I make it to my 12:30 interview at 12:27, and all is well except for the distracting concern that the FBI, CIA, or bomb squad might be investigating the mysterious bag left in the Galt House bathroom. I was imagining having to call a friend to bail me out of jail. When I returned, fortunately, everything was as I had left it. It merely left me thinking that Superman had it so easy with all those phone booths available.

I can read!

2006-08-21T20:21:00.000-04:00

I have been unable to successfully read a book from cover to cover in over 5 years. I have always enjoyed reading, even as a young'un, but have seemingly had an aversion to it lately.

I set the task before my friend Dott of finding a book that I could make it through. She succeeded, and I have completed two dott recommends books since!
She started me out gently on Hoot, a young adult novel by Carl Hiaasen. I had never read any of his books before, but had always heard great things. This was a perfect start for me, as it takes place in Florida (my origins), it's about birds (my obsession), and is quite humorous(my need as of late).

That eased me in to the next pick, Lamb; The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal Absolutely hilarious! I think this is the funniest book I have ever read. As Christ has to remain pure, Biff goes out and experiences the world and tells the Messiah all about it. While Jesus learns about the Bhagavad Gita, Biff learns about the Kama Sutra, they then exchange lessons. Here's a bit I found immensely enjoyable:

While Biff has been studying the Kama Sutra, he has learned to replicate the illustrations very well. Here, he and Jesus (called Joshua) discuss the fact that his drawings are improving.

"I'm using the calligraphy techniques we learned in the monastery, only using them to draw figures. Josh, are you sure it doesn't bother you, talking about this stuff when you'll never be allowed to do it?"
"No, it's interesting. It doesn't bother you when I talk about heaven, does it?"
"Should it?"
"Look, a seagull!"

Thanks, Dott! I am presently working on my third "dott recommends"!

Graphic Content! Read at your own risk!

2006-08-19T16:56:00.000-04:00

Why do I have pets?

You will find no photos here; most of you will be happy about that, I think.

My cat, my beautiful, sweet, loving kitty... Kills other animals. I try to be a good parent and let her do what she needs to do for her own growth, so I turn my head the other way when I see her dining on some lifeless creature. The rules are, as long as she leaves no evidence of what she has done, we get along well. I do intervene if I see her stalking another animal. I usually try to shew the otherwise unaware creature away before it meets is demise. That's as involved as I generally get.

Recently, while out in the yard, here she comes, proud as can be, bringing me a common grackle. That's a fairly sizeable catch for my smallish cat. I stopped in my tracks, trying to decide what to do. I quickly realized the bird was still alive... This upsets me considerably! I then am in a quandary... Do I try to save the bird, is it to late? Will I only prolong its suffering? Much to my relief, Smudge the creature killing cat, paused to look at me just long enough that the bird wriggled free and flew away... Hopefully far, far away!

I have found baby opossums lying around in the yard, not merely "playing" 'possum. I have assumed that she was the culprit, although there has never been any evidence to suggest that... So, I don't blame her outright, I simply remove the carcass from the yard and try to push it from my memory as quickly as possible.

A few months ago, while company was heading out the door, we nearly tripped over a baby opossum that was seemingly strategically placed inside the house in the doorway. Not only was I devastated, I was also embarrassed that my company had to see the remnants!

It gets worse, folks.

Today... Horror of horrors! I am taking a peaceful nap. The dogs are resting, the cat is out doing her cat things, and I am unaware, life is good.
Taci (oldest dog) heads outside and starts barking, Joey (youngest dog) runs to check it out, and begins barking as well ... Nothing out of the ordinary, so I attempt to doze back off to sleep. Taci remains outside barking. Joey, barks frantically for a moment, I am beginning to wonder if I have company, he then quickly becomes quiet and runs into the house and under the bed. As he likes it under there, I am not yet alarmed. I try to relax again, and realize Taci is still barking, yet Joey seems un-interested in the ruckus. That's when I get a little concerned. I hear back-ground noise of dog-licking... One of those things you get use to when you have dogs. Taci is the one who has compulsive licking habits, yet he is still outside barking.
I peer over the foot of the bed to see Joey's butt sticking out from under the bed. He indeed is licking something. I try to look under the bed, it's dark under there and Joey is blocking any available light from entering. I can't see, so I try to push Joey out of the way a bit... He growls at me. Never has he growled at me... I realize he thinks I am trying to steal his prey. OH MY GOD, he has PREY under MY BED! I see legs and a patch of gray fur. I am now FREAKED out. I don't want to deal with this... What am I going to do? I have a dead (hopefully) creature under my bed that my dog is having for dinner!! I head to the door, grab my keys and call Joey (in dog language, that means "Wanna go for a ride").
He finally heads to the door, I am sure I am yelling, although I can't hear myself, Joey's cowering stance is indicative of such. He's confused. Somehow, I manage to get myself together enough to speak to him in excited, non-threatening tones and somehow actually, effectively communicate to him to go get "it"... "Come on, go get it... Joey go get it and bring it outside... Good boy... That's it! Get it... Bring it here.. Come on, Joey! GOOD BOY!" He ACTUALLY got it out from underneath the bed and took it outside. He then begins to EAT this poor innocent baby rabbit . I start gagging and yelling at the same time(quite a feat, let me tell you), Joey is WAY confused now. I somehow got Joey away from the carcass, and was able to pick it up with a plastic bag and pitch it over the fence into the brush pile... Where the opossum graveyard is.
I assume my cat actually was the original perpetrator, and Joey just stole her prize... She was wandering around loudly meowing during all of the excitement. Sheesh! Again, I'll ask... Why do I have pets? Someone please remind me!

Not exactly the kind of company I had hoped for after being awakened from my "most proper of naps".

Meet Roxie!

2006-08-15T09:57:00.000-04:00

I am shamelessly promoting my friend Leslie's relatively new website (I'm a little slow, it's been up and running for a few months, sorry for the delay Leslie)!

If you are looking to buy or sell a home, this is the place to go! ...and even if you aren't, it's a fun site to check out. And besides, Roxie's hot!

Have I ever blogged about my obsession with vultures?

2006-08-13T23:08:00.000-04:00

Here are some photos I took in June at the Sacred Vulture Tree of an undisclosed location.

How time flies; whether you are having fun or not!

2006-08-13T22:34:00.000-04:00

Unbelievably, it has been over two months since my last posting. Recently inspired by the excitement my friend Melanie has been exuding over the creation of her new blog, here I am finally making an entry.

It seems I fell into a pit of depression and mucked around there for a bit. More on that in a future post.

General life update: I wasn't selected for that silly radiology program that I didn't want anyway, although the rejection was initially devastating. Why is it that I seem to want what I can't have and sometimes really don't even want in the end anyway. A friend says it's often all in how we label things in our minds. I definately could use some new labels. Maybe I could simply re-label to say "I don't really want that anyway", and move along.

That sounds good in theory, but I tend to hang onto things so tightly and so long that I smother and squeeze the life right out of whatever the subject may be. Funny, I lack discipline in every area of my life except for clinging to things that are not meant to be.

You know, blogging is so much cheaper than therapy... and often just as revealing for me, or in this case, of me.

For all you Xena fans out there!

2006-06-05T22:17:00.000-04:00

Batwoman is a lesbian!!!

2006-06-01T20:10:00.000-04:00

DC Comics is resurrecting the classic comic book character as a lesbian, unveiling the new Batwoman in July as part of an ongoing weekly series that began this year.

May's Obligatory Blog

2006-05-30T20:39:00.000-04:00

I realized today that if I don't post something here today or tomorrow, I will have let the entire month of May pass, with seemingly nothing to say... that would mislead my devoted readers!

May rang in with quite a bang for me... and has been nonstop ever since! Quite enjoyable and quite busy.

Here are a few pictures from the month.

Radiology program update:
It seems my odds are much better than I had originally thought on being accepted. There were only 67 applicants rather than the hundreds I had imagined. I was told that my chances are pretty good based my test scores and such. They will select 13 for the branch of the program that I applied for... and I should know something by mid June. Only time will tell.

Things I learned on my 35th birthday

2006-04-25T07:03:00.000-04:00

1. Dottcomments makes really yummy cupcakes.

2. Bar patrons don't seem to like to take said cupcakes from strangers; Even chocolate ones with chocolate icing!

3. Don't grope anyone without their permission, even your friends, and even if it is your birthday.

4. Don't ask someone out on a date while dancing, especially a dance with specific moves. Even a positive response may screw you up for the remainder of the evening!

5. I have many wonderful friends, and even a few new friends who honoured my birthday! I am quite lucky!

ACT Success!

2006-04-18T19:08:00.000-04:00

Even hung-over, I beat my high school composite score by 1 point. Imagine what I could have done with my critical thinking skills completely intact! I was indeed surprised. I surely thought I had lost tons of brain cells since high school, heck, even since last month!

Now, we shall see if I am selected for this program at work... you know the one... yep, the one I am not very interested in anymore. That probably means I will be selected, and therefore forced to make a big life decision. Only time will tell now.

Friday Night

2006-04-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

Friday night, Trolley Hop.
New friend, my maiden voyage on the Hop.
A glass of wine here, a bite of hummus there.
Cool gardening stuff, great home decor as well.

Sunshine fades, clouds move in.
Rain drops pelt, we forge on.
Derby hats tried on, photographs viewed
Tornado sirens blare, across the street we head, I can’t recall where.

More friends are met, we head out back to the deck.
Rain drips through the roof, occasionally into my wine.
A few glasses in, not too disturbed by the dilution.
Dinner consists of cheese-its, right next to the wine.

Great conversation, learning about new friends.
Laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
Radio plays in the background
Occasionally drowning out tornado warnings.

Feeling young and full of life,
We head to the Alternative.
Brain is fuzzy as I try the line dance lesson
Realizing 6 glasses of wine may be a bit much especially on an empty stomach.

Tornado arrives, but only in my mind
As the dances floor spins, while I am still.
Remainder of the night enjoyed, sobering up.
Head home while considering ACT in the am.

Fun was had by all
Hope new friend doesn’t think me a drunk.
ACT test taken,
Although quite certain, I must have flunked.

College Prep

2006-04-06T21:18:00.000-04:00

OK, so I have been in and out of college for the past 17 years. Yet, this weekend, I will be taking the ACT test...again. I did take it 18 years ago, and actually scored fairly well. It will be interesting to see how uneducated I have become in the time that has passed.
I am taking it to qualify for a program I am applying for at work to pay for my schooling and allow me to work part time, yet still recieve full time pay and benefits. This program is for me to become a radiological technologist... something I grow a little less interested in every day. At least the ACT test will give me something to blog about later.

I just love this!

2006-03-24T18:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-17T09:16:00.000-05:00

This Valentine's Day I decided to celebrate my singleness with a trip to the immediate care center to discover that I have kidney stones…Twins, in fact. My sister had her 9 pound 13 oz sixth child the previous day; I suppose I might have been jealous that she was getting so much attention.
Yesterday, my cousin suggested to me that now that I was "ageing", I should consider paying more for my monthly insurance premiums to avoid the high deductible I will have to pay for my scheduled surgery. Thanks. Two months late (for open enrollment) and a thousand dollars too late came that advice.
Most people that know me have heard me say that I am begging for gray hair. I have always looked younger than I am, and I have always seemed to surround myself with friends a little older than I. I only had 3 gray hairs, so I gave up on the gray and colored my hair a few weeks ago. I have also been looking so forward to my next birthday, when I will turn 35... I figure that at least firmly establishes me in my thirties.

Today, I think I should get age points for the kidney stones as well.

Career Du Jour

2006-02-12T22:01:00.000-05:00

I have eliminated personal chef from my list of potential career choices. I really don't like to cook chicken, in fact is kind of grosses me out, and it seems to be such a popular dish these days. On second thought, that may soon be changing... but I digress.

My latest thought for a career... I think I'd like to be a jeweler. I have taken to making earrings and necklaces. I think I have some talent in this area!

Stay tuned!

Another quiz

2006-02-04T23:42:00.000-05:00

After a full day at the silent meditation retreat (I had never done a full day of silence before; not to mention a full day of meditation. It was great, but indeed exhausting), I had an email from a friend with the link to this test. I feel my results seemed appropriate today.

Siddhartha Gautama
You two would probably really get along!

Founder of Buddhism "All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?"

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 40% on Intuitive

You scored higher than 0% on Structured

You scored higher than 80% on Mildness

You scored higher than 0% on Traditional

Not surprising!

2006-02-03T18:36:00.000-05:00

This was stolen directly from dottcomments. For those of you who don't know her, she is indeed Wonder Woman!

K-Rad's results:

You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		95%
Superman		70%
Batman		55%
Supergirl		55%
Iron Man		45%
The Flash		40%
Robin		35%
Hulk		35%
Green Lantern		30%
Catwoman		30%
Wonder Woman		25%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Future Career Choice

2006-02-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

I think I am going to start tracking my career choices on my blog.

To catch you up...

Last week, I wanted to be a Radiological Tech. (K-Rad, Rad Tech... sounds good, right?)

Earlier this week, it was a web designer.

Today, I choose Personal Chef. I love to cook, but don't want to work in a restaurant. I can travel around and prepare meals in your home. Or my home, then I can transport... whichever.

South Beach Diet

2006-02-01T20:19:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I would like to shed a few pounds and rid myself of some food addictions I have. Diabetes runs rampant in my family. Sugar is my natural enemy.

I am approaching day 11 of the 14 day Phase 1 plan of this diet. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I am not sure if that's the train coming right towards me... or is it the light beckoning me to another realm?
I am actually doing pretty well at this stage. A week ago today, I thought I would kill someone for a snickers bar. I don't really even like snickers! I also have several witnesses that can attest to my overall weepy, cranky, and borderline psychotic behavior due to sugar withdrawal. My mental state has now achieved its normal balance and I am down 6.5 pounds.

I found that after the 4th day, I stopped having the taste for sugary substances. Sure, they still look good, but I am not craving them anymore... at least not in my concious state.

Last night, I awoke from dreaming of cinnamon rolls. Fresh, hot out of the oven, ooey, gooey, sweet nectar of the gods, cinnamon rolls. In my dreams, I am processing all that I can't have in my life right now. It's therapuetic, I suppose. I did wake up longing for what's no longer available to me. It is however, helping me answer the age old Kelly question of what do I want, versus what do I need.

I find life lessons in everything.

When I grow up...

2006-01-31T19:29:00.000-05:00

I am taking a writing class through JCC. One of our first assignments involved taking a test on what your intelligence areas are. I found my results to be interesting in that I scored highest in the area of musical intelligence. I have never played an instrument, was told by my high school choir director that I couldn't sing, and I never, ever thought of starting a band. My lowest score was in logical/mathematical ability... funny, as presently I work in the accounting field.
Our current assignment tests us on our interests, and then suggests careers that might best suit us. I think this is great, as I am almost 35 and just now starting to seriously think about what I want to be when I grow up.
I blame my lack of direction on my ADD. I have often said that I have too many interests to focus on just one. This test I took proves it! I have an interest level of 54% in an artistic/creating career; 51% in realistic/ producing & adventuring careers; 47% in investigator/ analyzing careers; 31% in social/ helping careers; 22% in conventional/ organizing careers; and 17% in enterprising/ influencing careers. Of course they gave job suggestions for all of these... but would you look at the first three numbers... I am interested in those three almost equally.
I do find it interesting that I have been feeling more creative in the past year than I have in my entire life. I feel my creativity remains mostly untapped. My mother was an artist! Certainly, I have it in me somewhere!

Yesterday, I wanted to be a radiological technician. Today, I think I want to be a web designer.

Check with me tomorrow.

Pat Robertson

2006-01-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

I like to think I am very tolerant of all religious groups and try to respect their opinions and beliefs. However, I take issue with many aspects of how Christianity seems to be delivered today. The inspiration behind this email comes from a recent statement made by Pat Robertson regarding Ariel Sharon. Robertson suggested that the severe stroke that has Sharon still in a coma and in critical condition was a direct punishment from God for pulling out of Gaza Strip last summer.
“God considers this land to be his," Robertson said "You read the Bible and he says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine." Okay, sure we all say stupid things. My first inclination is to cut the guy a little slack, because after all, he did apologize almost immediately thereafter.
Then I recalled his statement in August ’05 where he compared Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler and suggested that the United States should assassinate him. Of course he did apologize then as well. Then I remember so many other hate filled remarks that came out of this good Christian’s mouth. (Stupid Pat Robertson Quotes) Most of which he has not apologized for. It brings me to 2 of the biggest issues I have with Christianity as it often seems to be practiced today… 1) its seems to be ok to do and say whatever you want, even if it is unfair, unjust, and just plain hateful and mean… as long as you repent thereafter. Might I suggest that it could be possible for the good lord to strike you down before the next Sunday service at which time you plan to repent? 2) Have these Christians actually read the new testament? I thought Jesus was all about forgiveness, and turning the other cheek… and compassion, and helping those in need. Maybe I am simply confused, yet again.

Questions Questions Questions!

2006-01-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or does everyone struggle with knowing what it is that they need versus knowing what it is that they want. And why can't I seem to want what I need? I mean I want to eat the entire carton of ice-cream; but really I need not! Then, I also struggle with knowing if the voice I am hearing in my head is my intuition or my fear. They both sound the same to me. Sometimes they are indeed saying the same thing, and that really sucks to discover. But I am glad I hear the voices. Does anyone else here the voices? Should I be medicated??

Life is still going quite well for me, I have to say. Just not so well that it would be found disgusting or unbelievable. Thank Goddess for that, it's hard to live in a fantasy world for too long, I tend to lose sight of what's real!

What type of wine are you?

2006-01-13T19:15:00.000-05:00

I am a Chardonnay

"You are a fun and light-hearted penguin who believes in true love. You may be black and white on the outside, but under those feathers beats a heart of gold. Good times and good friends are never far away, which is why the Little Penguin Chardonnay is your social beverage of choice. "

I feel certain that a few months ago, I would have been a bitter, bitter 'whine'. Funny how life can change.

I'm Alive!

2006-01-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

Currently, my life is so damn good, I feel most would either find it disgusting or unbelievable- or perhaps a little of both. But hey... there is some great stuff out there! Check out Dott Comments. While you are there, be sure to check out the photos from Isreal.

K-Rad's Amnesty Day

2005-11-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

Today I have decided to forgive anyone who has intentionally or unintentionally hurt me phyiscally or emotionally between 1971-2003. It covers every hurt that I can remember currently...repressed memories are ineligible for this blanket amnesty. Anyone who has intentionally or unintentionally hurt me from 01/01/2004 to the present may have to wait for the next amnesty period. The current waiting period is 34 years, however applications for amnesty are available on request, and each applicant will be reviewed on a case by case basis.

DISCLAIMER: I can change my mind at any given moment and resend my forgiveness at the mere drop of the hat, if deemed necessary by me and only me.

Not valid with any other coupons or offers.

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

2005-11-06T00:45:00.000-05:00

While talking with some friends the other day, I was whinning about some poor choices I feel my mother made while I was growing up, and the fact that now that she has moved on from this world, I don't even get to fuss at her about how disfunctional those choices have made me, and how different my life would have been had she chose differently. One of my friends asked me how my life would be different. That simple question has made me re-think my anger, resentment and judgment of my mother's choices. I am a dependable, independent, individual with a free spirit and a lack of tolerance for violence of any kind, with a deep compassionate understanding and empathy for those less fortunate than I, and as the very same friend pointed out to me that same evening, quick to become indignant when I feel an injustice has occured. I like all that about me. Those are qualities I might not have, had my mother made different choices. So, a great big thank you goes out to my friend, my mom, and also to Stuart Smiley.

OCD or ADD?

2005-11-05T23:22:00.000-05:00

Just today, the reason for my often chaotic life has become clear. I have known for some time that I have a least a mild case of Attention Deficit Disorder. Someone sent me a funny email a few years back that tells the story of a woman who begins a project in the morining, only to be distracted by another project, then that is distracted by another immediate need, which is then distacted by another issue, and so on... until at the end of the day, she gets back to the original unfinished project, only to wonder why she's too exhausted to continue, because she feels she nothing was accomplished all day. I found that story describes me pretty well some days.
Now, consider this. I have come to realize that when I do sit down to focus on a task at hand, I find I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I have been known to alphabetize, by category, my canned goods and also my CD's. I categorize all my hanging clothes by type, then style then color, shoes are categorized by color, then by style.
Today, I realized that my ADD and OCD are continually at odds with each other. When life is running smoothly, my OCD kicks in, and all is right with the world. However, during an emotionally rough period, or even just a very busy week or so, my OCD goes out the window, ADD kicks into high gear, and I am lucky if I can find the pair of shoes I am looking for... usually buried under any number of piles of clothes that have collected throughout the house. My ADD also keeps me from following through to keep things as organized as I like them. I'll set it up perfectly, where everything has a place, but things never seem to find their way back to their proper home. I think perhaps it has to do with that whole discipline thing I seem to lack.

I think will try to make a concerted effort to put some discipline and structure in my life.

Check back with me to see if I follow through with that!

Happy Anniversary

2005-11-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

It was a year ago today since we lost the election. One down, three more to go. Things are looking rather bleak... do you think we can survive three more years of Bush??

Let's all send out lots of love and light, and hope for better things to come.

I'm off to have a beer.

New Job

2005-10-29T23:22:00.000-04:00

I am working downtown now. After three weeks at my new job, here are some things I have learned:

There are nearby places with some fairly decent food choices.
Considering walking time of 7 minutes from the garage 4 blocks away, it takes the same amount of time to get to work now as it did to get to my previous job. The mileage from home was previously 15, now 2.
I have a window desk, a nice view of the traffic on 2nd and Chestnut.
I find my regular habit of sleeping in my car during lunch rather toxic, being parked in a garage and all.
I haven't seen a hawk or a vulture yet, lots of pigeons; although none have flown into the window!
Overtime might be permissable here, maybe even a necessity (that's financially a good thing, in my opinion).
I still have no friggin clue as to how to do my job; ok, maybe an inkling of a clue.
I found a Starbuck's within walking distance.
'Walking distance' has increased dramatically for me. I define walking distance as 'slightly farther than where I parked my car'... much further now than previously.
I survived my first walk from the garage in the rain. Not too bad, but it wasn't a down-pour.
There's no Q-Doba anywhere nearby.
This morning I found my bank within 'walking distance'.
The folks I work with seem very nice and are starting to warm up to me. They seem like a fun bunch.
I like getting to work at 8:30 rather than 7am. It means I can stay up past 9pm!
I don't like leaving work at 5pm rather than 4, it seems half the evening is gone already; you wouldn't think an hour could make such a difference.
All but one employee here in the department has at least 1 dog. In fact, my boss isn't here today because her dog is sick. I may fit in yet!

To the Chocolate Lover's Friend; You know who you are!

2005-09-25T20:31:00.000-04:00

I have recently heard it said that there is something about dark chocolate, that after one bite, the taste left in your mouth leaves you wanting more. Is it possible to eat only half of any kind of chocolate bar? Who won the bet? I have to know!

School expels girl for having gay parents

2005-09-25T20:04:00.000-04:00

Unbelievable! You'd think by their own teaching they would want to keep her there to witness to her! Praise the Lord God! Halleluiah! You know it's the sick that need the doctor, not the well!

Hypocritical Bastards!

Ice Cream

2005-09-19T21:50:00.000-04:00

So, I have this thing about ice cream. Well, maybe I have several things about ice cream. First and foremost, it is the perfect food. It can be eaten at (or for) any meal, anytime, almost anywhere. Secondly, I think Sarah McLaughlin has some issues. I have never met anyone whose love was better than ice-cream. I don't even think it is a possiblity.
I prefer my ice cream a little on the soft side. It doesn't have to be the soft serve kind, in fact, that's my least favorite type of ice-cream... Of course I wouldn't ever turn it away. I like it to be just slightly melted, the perfect blend of frozen and creamy. I never buy ice cream at the grocery, because I'm afraid I'll eat it all in one sitting. Today, I have realized my fears are not without warrant. I did buy some ice cream to share with some friends after dinner last night. Although we did finish the derby pie that was accompanying the ice cream, we didn't finish the 1.75 quart container of vanilla bean ice cream. So, this evening, mere moments ago, I got a spoon and sat on the couch eating the ice cream directly from the carton. I quickly realized that I wasn't getting what I really wanted. I really wanted that soft slightly melted consistency. Instead of waiting for that perfect moment... I just kept eating. Only occasionally fulfilling my longing, by scooping around the edges of the carton, where by holding with my knees, it had melted perfectly. The only problem was that I was eating it too quickly for it to get to that desirable state. All the while, I knew this was happening. I even kept thinking to myself that I might actually eat less, if I were getting exactly what I wanted and needed... yes, ice cream is a need, not merely a want!
That lead me to thinking about my romantic relationships. Some very startling revelations hit me. 1) I like my women like I like my ice-cream... a little soft and not too cold. 2) I need to wait for the right person and the right time to be with them. 3) Apparently, I need to continue working out all that co-dependency crap, and getting what I need from myself and other areas of my life, and not continually gorging myself on unhealthy things that don't even make me happy! 4) If I ever find someone whose love is better than ice-cream... I might just give it up! And maybe I'll quit eating ice cream too!

My Inner-Self

2005-09-16T02:40:00.000-04:00

I can't really decide if this is who I want to be, or if this is who I want to be with!

Either way, I sure do like her. I created her myself.

You too can create your own super hero, or super lover as the case may be.

Do it now, Bitch!

I am an Introvert

2005-09-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

I could also be described as painfully shy in certain circumstances. This doesn’t mean that I am not social within my familiar surroundings. I get along quite well socially within my group of friends, as well as at work. In fact, at work, it is part of my job to greet people, make light conversation, set people at ease, and I feel I do that very well. However, outside of my comfort zones, I always say that I don’t really like people. That isn’t true really, but it is extremely difficult for me to approach someone I don’t know and make conversation with them. That having been said, I have found a way to do just that. It goes right along with my opinion that I like animals more than I do most people.

Yes, that’s right, I exploit my animals.

I am beginning a new job soon, what will be my icebreaker? Of course, it will be photos of my pets. No, I don’t carry them in my wallet. I do however have a frame or two at my desk. I don’t have children (not overwhelmingly fond of them), so I can’t exploit them! If I were a man, I suppose I’d be one of those guys who would borrow someone’s baby to meet women.

I went to a dog park this past weekend. This is where I realized the difference in my social ability. I spoke to every dog and many of their owners! I was amazed at the difference in my behavior. I thought to myself, maybe I like these people more because I think they are “dog people”? Although that’s still a possibility, I discovered that without my dogs, I no longer have this super power of extrovertedness! Upon leaving the park I headed directly to the nearest pet store to stock up on pet food, goodies and treats. Once there, I notice a familiar face. There shopping right next to me was another dog owner from the park. Although it is permissible to bring your dogs into this store, that is really not an option for me as I have two unruly dogs (friendly, but a little excitable to say the least), subject for a future blog I am sure. There I was, unequipped with my newly discovered super power. I tried unsuccessfully to make eye contact with the woman. We even ended up separated by only one other customer in the check out line, yet no communication ever came about. I had specifically spoken with this woman and the fellow accompanying her at the park, yet couldn’t even acknowledge that we had had this previous encounter a mere 15 minutes prior. While walking to my car, I spotted this fellow and the dogs in nearby car. No acknowledgement then either. I reached my car, shoved my dogs from the driver's seat, started the car, and began my departure from the parking lot. As I drove by I waved happily at the fellow and the dogs. It leaves me to wonder why I have such bizarre social tendencies.

You Gotta Love Bill Maher

2005-09-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

On Real Time with Bill Maher the other night:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare,the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know.There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the salestax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the otherside.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'"

Nesting

2005-09-08T19:45:00.000-04:00

Ok... Finally, a handful of before and after photos of my new pad.

Big Junk Pick-Up

2005-08-30T20:55:00.000-04:00

Now, living in a new part of town, I have to adjust to a new schedule to what is commonly referred to here as big junk pick-up. My big junk collection is scheduled this for this weekend. You can put all your useless crap out on the curb, and whatever is left after being scavenged by people scouring the neighborhood for great finds, gets hauled away to some great landfill to continue to overflow our precious space here on earth. It's a great idea to rid yourself of misc garbage like old tires, scraps of wood left from some odd project, paint cans, old-dog-smelly-torn-up couches, etc. It bothers me when people throw functional things into the mix, like an old tv that works fine, but was replaced with a mega-super-movie theatre sized screen tv. Or old christmas decorations, or clothes. I think it bothers me because it shows how lazy some folks are. Take your funtional stuff to the Salvation Army or to Goodwill... don't throw it away. I hate it when I look in the garbage can outside and find a piece of tupperware in there because someone was too lazy to wash it after a child had put a bug in it. For Pete's sake, if you don't want to wash it, fine. But don't throw it away. Donate it to someone who isn't afraid to use it. What about the blinds that the dog broke a piece of? You know, those can be fixed? Yes it takes a little time and patience, but do you really have to go buy a whole new set? And ok, if you do... fine, but again I say, donate it to someone who may use it, instead of throwing it away. There's something about are "disposable" society that has even seeped into our relationships. All too often do we as a society "dispose" of our friends, our partners, our loved ones. It takes too much time and effort to fix the issues at hand, so many just throw the relationship away. It goes out on the curb for big junk pick up. And then more often than not, the thrown out gets picked up by some scavenger feeding on the vulnerable sad sacks. Why can't we all just get along? Why can't we fix our problems? Why can't we even acknowledge that we have problems until it's too late to fix them? Why do we just throw things away?

Yes, I'd love some cheese with my whine, thank you.

More comparisons

2005-08-04T00:15:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in a previous post, for me, searching for a new home is not at all unlike searching for a new mate. However, I have discovered that preparing the new place is extremely unlike how I should prepare for a relationship.

For example…

I didn’t like the colors of the wall, so I am painting them. I can’t change a person’s color, attitude or personality with a coat of paint; so I should make sure that I like them the way they are; I shouldn’t expect that I can change them, or that they will change on their own.
I didn’t like the stinky carpet in the living room, so I ripped it up to discover hardwood floors. There may be many gems under the surface of someone I choose to date, but it is not MY job to rip off their exterior to discover it. I can be there to offer love, compassion and understanding, but I can’t do the work! So I should make sure I can accept/tolerate/not resent their issues, and by the way make sure they can do the same for me and my issues.
I have a list of items that need to be fixed. Some broken/cracked windows, some places on the walls to be patched. A banister to be replaced. In finding someone to date, they will have places that need to be patched, but it is not my job to fill these voids in their life. The “you complete me” theory is fine and romantic theoretically, but it’s a crock of shit! You should complement each other…not complete. I feel that statement warrants repeating: You should complement each other… not complete each other!

Basically I guess I don’t mind getting one of those “fixer-uppers” for a home; but not for a partner! Ok, I don't so much mind getting a fixer-upper; but I'm not doin' the work! I got my own fixin' uppin' to do! There's enough work here for my lifetime.

That’s all for now. I’ll post before and after pictures of the new place soon.

Obligatory Blog

2005-07-17T13:39:00.000-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that I have been neglecting my blog site. Indeed, life has become a little more challenging to manage lately. Here is my obligatory blog:

The thing about looking for a place to live is that it is not entirely unlike looking for a mate. I have discovered that there are some similarities in the amenities I need in a home, and those I should consider when choosing a mate.

Disclaimer: I am looking for a new home; I am not looking for a new mate.

I need a home with a fenced in yard to keep my dog's crap in, and strangers crap out; I need a mate with boundaries, to keep their independence and happiness in, and to keep other's and my shit out.
I need a home that is conveniently located, near both my place of employment and my social network; I need a mate who is convenient in both location and emotional accessibility.
I need a home that has enough space for me and my dogs; I need a mate who has enough room for me and my dogs in their life.
And finally, I need a home that won't break me financially; I need a mate who won't break me emotionally or financially.

What kind of girl are you? Take the quiz and see.

2005-06-01T18:48:00.000-04:00

Although I'm really not in to labels... I found this sort of fun and interesting. I am a progressive girl. I thought it was a pretty good description of me. I didn't like some of the questions, and I'm not promoting the book, as I really didn't even look at it. I followed a link that led me to a link, that led me to a link, that eventually led me here.

Dub-ya says...

2005-06-01T00:20:00.000-04:00

Stem cell research holds the promise of helping millions with diabetes, Alzheimer's Disease and other illnesses, yet Bush says "The use of federal dollars to destroy life is something I simply do not support". He doesn't support the use of federal dollars to destroy life... huh... who knew?

Over 1,650 American soldiers have been killed in Iraq. That is only American soldiers; we will probably never know the Iraqi death toll , including many innocent children .

"There's an alternative to the destruction of life," he said. "But the stem cell issue is really one of federal funding, that's the issue before us, and that is whether or not we use taxpayers' money to destroy life. ... I don't believe we should."
I guess he must be using his daddy's money for the war in Iraq... that explains it. At least now I understand that the taxes I pay, go only to worthy and just causes. I must have misunderstood previously. Glad that's all cleared up!
Regarding North Korea expanding its nuclear program, Bush said "If diplomacy is the wrong approach, I guess that means military. That's how I view it as either diplomacy or military. I am for the diplomacy approach." He also said "And for those who say we ought to be using our military to stop a problem, I would say that while all options are on the table, we've still got a ways to go to solve this diplomatically."
Do you think that means he learned a lesson in Iraq? Or is he just confused? Or am I??
On the human rights Guantanamo Bay report he says, "It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of the allegations by people who were held in detention, people who hate America."

Huh... go figure! You think those who were held
in detention without charges, brutally abused,
and subjected to sacrilegious acts (try flushing a bible down the toilet around some of the extremists over here) hate America? I guess those might be considered biased opinions.

My Obsession

2005-05-17T17:30:00.000-04:00

As requested: Some Photos I Have Taken

My new and expensive obsession

I am beginning to think that my new digital camera should have come with a coin slot. I just keep putting more money into it. I thought that buying a digital camera would be more economical that the old film camera, in that I wouldn’t have to buy film, I wouldn’t pay for unwanted pictures…etc. However, it seems as if my OCD has completely taken over. I am in fact obsessed with my new camera!
When I bought the camera, I decided to get all the accessories I would ever need (how naïve of me), camera bag, extra battery, lens cleaning kit, extra memory card, mini tripod (worthless), and a USB card reader. I chose a 12x optical zoom camera because I wanted to take pictures of birds. Not knowing anything about zoom/magnification… that number 12 means nothing to me. Except that it seems to be one of, if not the most optical (not to be confused with digital) zooms on a digital camera. In terms that I understand… you know how you take a picture with a regular camera, and you seem so much further away from your subject than you were in reality? Well, in my opinion, the 12x zoom, brings it to about the distance you actually saw in reality. Which is fine… but still didn’t seem to suit my birding needs. So, I bought an attachment zoom lens along with the necessary parts to attach it to the camera. I don’t even remember the magnification number, because I don’t understand what it means really. I just knew it would bring my subject closer to me. And it did, but with horrible focusing results. I thought that maybe a better quality attachment lens might be a better answer. So, I order another one. Better magnification (again, don’t remember specs), better quality. In fact, now I can attach either of the extra lenses directly to the camera… but also, I can stack the two lenses for a combined magnification. That means I am even closer, but with very, very poor focusing ability. I discovered that a tripod would help; it’s very hard to hold the camera still with all the extra weight. I bought a tripod; I couldn’t buy a cheap tripod mind you, as I have a pricey, and now heavy camera. I also bought a tripod bag with a shoulder strap to carry it around. Ok… I am finally getting pictures that I want. But what about that tripod bag. It is kind of pointless for carrying it around, as I have to slightly disassemble the tripod to put it in the bag. So now I spot a bird, I wrench the tripod out of the bag, assemble it, put the camera on top of the tripod, turn it on… hey wait, where’d that little bugger go? At first, I tried just carrying it without the bag… aching arms and shoulders. Then I rigged an old luggage strap, to have a shoulder strap for it. I did get some good photos, along with multiple bruises and sore muscles from carting the thing around. Now, I have purchased a strap-on! It’s great (I haven’t field tested it yet). It’s kind of like a quiver for an archer to store his arrows in. To use it, I only have to unclip the belt, un-velcro two straps, and then the tripod is ready to go! Certainly, I am having fun with my new camera. But how much better life would be if I actually had a printed photograph now. Instead of a coin slot, maybe the camera should have a credit card reader built in.

Ps: I can add a real number 12 to 15 things about me: “I am an avid bird watcher and apparently becoming a (very amateur/wanna-be) bird photographer as well.”

I am in love with Maggie!

2005-04-30T23:25:00.000-04:00

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Not only is actress Maggie Gyllenhall sexy... She's smart too!

" 9/11 was a terrible tragedy and of course it goes without saying that I grieve along with every American for everyone who suffered and everyone who died in the catastrophe. But for those of us who were spared, it was also an occasion to be brave enough to ask some serious questions about America's role in the world. Because it is always useful, as individuals or nations to ask how we may have knowingly or unknowingly contributed to this conflict. Not to have the courage to ask these questions of ourselves is to betray the victims of 9/11."

This surely puts Maggie on the (small) list of my most loved entertainers, right there next to the Dixie Chicks.

My first time...

2005-04-27T18:11:00.000-04:00

I am not really sure how to begin “blogging”… but here goes. A friend of mine has this really cool blogging site http://www.dottcomments.blogspot.com/ that I have been lurking in on. Not sure if one can "lurk" on a blog site, but that’s what I feel I have been doing, in that I have never posted any comments. I just read and feel some connection to her through her posts. All of this mostly unbeknownst to her. As it stands, I enjoy her stories, and thought I might like to do the same some day. I have one major barrier to break however. I feel that perhaps I might be an ok writer, but have this unreasoned fear of writing. Not sure why that is, but thought that one way to explore both the fear and the interest is to just do it.

Now determining what to write about is yet another subject. I have heard it is not advisable to discuss work. Discussing relationship issues is probably not advisable either, at least if one wants to remain in discussed relationship. That leaves possible subjects such as politics, world events, food… I suppose I could always talk about me. As much as I like to talk about me, I seem to be questioning weather I would be an interesting enough subject to blog about. Which is a thought I now feel I should discuss, as of course I must be interesting, right? Right? A recent post from my friend’s blog lists 15 things about her.When I read that, I wondered if I could come up with 15 things about me?! As I seem to be currently in a low self esteem mood, I am concerned that it might be comprised mostly of fear and self-loathing. I think I might just start a list, and see where it goes. I am going to cheat, and follow the outlined theme from her list (hope she doesn't mind). Here goes…

I worked at Taco Bell for 8 years, starting in high school, managing for 7 years. Decided against college, as my “career” wouldn’t allow time for and/or supply the money for tuition.
My favorite color is blue. Green is a close second.
I don’t think I have a favorite band. My musical taste varies from alternative, to top 40’s, to country, to oldies. Can’t stand jazz, not fond of rap.
My newest hobby is in fact photography. Just bought a great new digital camera with 12X optical zoom, add on telephoto lenses, and a tripod. Don’t really know how to use it all yet. Interested in learning.
I currently wear earth shoes! Did you know they have come back… not a huge following though. I bought ‘em at Rainbow blossom. They look different than they did in the 70’s. The pair I own look like hiking boots.
I say I am a vegetarian, but I eat almost anything. I really just lack discipline. My therapist suggests that I am a “vegetarian” of the heart.
Ice cream is indeed the perfect food… do you mean there may be a difference of opinion on this?
I have recently started (again) college. Taking one class on line. Love the online factor! It helps me in that I seem to not want to go to class regularly, apparently I lack discipline- did I mention that already?
I got nothin’ on the fur coat comment, so I’ll ad lib (scary thought for me). I was kicked out of high school a month before graduation for skipping school. Something about discipline seems to be a pattern. I went back the following year, and did indeed graduate. Although I tell everyone that I graduated the year I was suppose to.
I never was a bartender, but I did make out with a straight woman in a straight bar once. I was slightly intoxicated... and I’m kinda diggin’ on the “trend of serving almost any cocktail in a martini glass and calling it "stupid-tini" or something.” I can now actually drink a “Martini”.
I registered as a republican and voted for Reagan. It was 1980 and I was 9 years old- it was a school election and the only time I have voted republican.
Got nothin’ on Ted Danson either, or anything similar.
I would like to have nitrous oxide when I have my teeth cleaned, have only had it once. It was for before I had my wisdom teeth removed. I did love it. -the nitrous oxide that is.
I never had an imaginary playmate as a child. It was only after I discovered that I was a lesbian that I had an imaginary “playmate”.
I took five years of German in high school. Never could speak it.

Ok, so technically I only came up with 14 things about me. Surprisingly however, the list doesn’t seem to be consumed with fear and self-loathing! Now off to see if I can figure out how to post this on an actual blog site. If you are reading this… I was successful!